Morning Joke Thread

[TOO-TALL]

Heard this today at work.
A buddy walk up to me and said this.....with a straight face.



Buddy--I went to apply for a eharmany account today,but was rejected.
Me-- What happend
Buddy--The first question asked. "What would you like to see in a woman?"
Me -- What did you say?
Buddy--"My C@ck!"
Buddy--Maybe I'll try and sign up again tommorow.

[shepherd]

Ray and Bubba

Ray & Bubba
(Redneck mechanical engineers)

Ray & Bubba were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

'We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole,' said Bubba,
'but we don't have a ladder.'

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts,
and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement,
announced, 'Eighteen feet, six inches,' and walked away.

Ray shook his head and laughed. 'Ain't that just like a dumb blonde
woman!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!'

[chudson]

Wal-Mart has everything!

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like he!!.. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.

[TMCNo1]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, " Well your Honour, it was like this. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help noticing her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, " Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.

BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident"...I just lost it."

CASE DISMISSED!

[TMCNo1]

A very classy lady!



The rest of the world cannot understand how, after bitter election campaigns, American politicians can kiss and make-up.

For instance, Gov. Palin has invited, to her great state of Alaska, the men who defeated her, Barack Obama and Joe Biden. She has
set up a moose hunting trip for their enjoyment and hired three prominent experts in their field to assist them.

Dick Cheney will lead them on the hunt, Ted Kennedy will drive them back to their cabins each evening, and Bill Clinton will entertain their wives and daughters.

What a lady! That Sarah is such a sport and thinks of everything!

[ProTour X9]

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota : .........

He does the same jokes for Michigan

There are a few different ones though.

Part 2 - You know you're a true MICHIGANIAN(never call someone from MI this) / MICHIGANDER when . . .

1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.< BR>

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard,
without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including
weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to
use them.

9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
snow.

11. You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road
construction.



12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your
blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Ohio.

16. A brat is something you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."

22. You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not
medicine.

24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing (I don't comprehend this one....I like Vernors)

25. You know what a Yooper is.

26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American. (and anything except for Ford, Chrysler, and GM)

27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.

28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.

MY FAVORITE: You can give directions, or tell where you live by pointing on your right palm.

[wakeX2wake]

There's a lot of people mad over this cartoon that was published in the NY Times... kind of funny kind of messed up




the cartoon referencesthis story

[TMCNo1]

The Man Rules*******************
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally, the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear"the rules"
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
orgolf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.RoundIS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[TMCNo1]

To Be 6 Again...



A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.

'I'd like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose





early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!





He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again??'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I meant my dress size, you dumb azz!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[mlay]

Why parents drink:

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad..' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion... Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John


PS.
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card.
That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[trickskier]

Bought a new Lexus, you know the one that parks itself but had to return it to the dealer the next day because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson," the salesman said to the radio.

The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"

"Willie!" he continued and "On the Road Again" came from the speakers.

Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, Soggy Bottom Boys," I'd get beautiful bluegrass music, and if I said, Beatles," I d get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "*** Holes!"

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.



Gosh, I LOVE this car

[trickskier]

. .

[ATTACH]44747[/ATTACH]

[TMCNo1]

Do you know what happened 158 years ago this fall... Back in 1850?

California became a state
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed except the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands!

[SkiDog]

An Israeli doctor said to a medical conference, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!”
The German doctor stood up and said, “well medicine in my county is so advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work on 4 weeks”
The Russian doctor got up and said “My country is even more advanced, we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!”
Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and addressed the conference, “Well” he said “My country is so far advanced in medicine, we can take an Arsehole out of Chicago, put him in the White House, and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!”

[TMCNo1]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone here want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Dominos!