Morning Joke Thread

[TMCNo1]

A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner..

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.


Don't Mess With Mature Ladies!

[TMCNo1]

A Southern wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman. With super-human strength, borne of fury and cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the willy down the stairs, out the back door, and into the tool shed out back of the barn. She put his hoo-ha in a vice, then secured it tightly and removed the handle.



Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw. The banged up cheater was terrified, and hollered, 'Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?' The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and said...... 'Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed on fire. You do whatever you want.'

[SkiDog]

> Mexican words of the day
>
> 1. *Cheese*
> The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
>
> 2. *Mushroom*
> When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
>
> 3. *Shoulder*
> My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.
>
> 4. * Texas *
> My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
>
> 5. *Herpes*
> Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
>
> 6. *July*
> Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
>
> 7. *Rectum*
> I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
>
> 8. *Chicken*
> I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
>
> 9. *Wheelchair*
> We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
>
> 10 *Chicken* *wing*
> My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
>
> 11. *Harassment*
> My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.
>
> 12 *Bishop*
> My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
>
> 13. *Body wash*
> I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
>
> 14. *Budweiser*
> That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?

[SkiDog]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so
I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but
I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

[TMCNo1]

Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many
trips. President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and
beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President
Bush went up to the man and said, " Has anyone told you that you
look like Moses?" The man didn't answer but continued to stare
straight ahead never acknowledging the President.

The President pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to
the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look
like Moses to you?" The agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the President, " every time I say his name he ignores
me and stares straight ahead refusing to speak......Watch." Again
the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and
whispered, " You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, " Shhhh! Yes,
I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40
years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my
people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

[chudson]

Ole & Lena were a truly devoted couple. Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew, and soon, people from all over the country were coming to him in Minnesota for paintings and formal portraits.


One day, while Ole was mowing the lawn, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said that money was no object, and she was willing to pay him $50,000.


Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with Lena, his missus.


In a few minutes he returned and said to the lady, "Ya, shoor, you betcha. I'll paint ya in da nude, but I'll haff ta leave my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes."

[SkiDog]

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man
standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest
gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and
told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,'replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a
blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,
he's gonna shove that gun up your a$$, and it won't hurt as much.

[TMCNo1]

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
"I thought yousaid I had another 43 years.
Why didn't you pull me fromout of the path of the ambulance?"


(You'll love this)

God replied:

"I didn't recognize you!"

[TMCNo1]

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that rednecks are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy...

So the lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question,and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5 you ask me one, and if I don't know the Answer, I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the Earth to the moon?' The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a $5 Bill and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the air phone;he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.. He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500.

The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Don 't mess with us rednecks. We only talk dumb....

[TMCNo1]

You might be Taliban if........

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't
afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting
off roadside bombs.

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

[TMCNo1]

ROSES & HANGING BASKETS

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager said, 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!'
and out she goes. The next day the teenager came down stairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wanted to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not
appropriate....The grandmother said to her, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display
my hanging baskets. Happy Gardening.

[SkiDog]

Today be my baby girl 18th birthday. I be so glad dat dis be my last child support payment!

Month after month, year after year, all dose payments! So I call m y baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma.

I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.

Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout dat?" She say to tell you dat "you ain't my daddy" ... and watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!


Lawd a Mercy !!!!!!!!

[SkiDog]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
After the husband checked into the hotel, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[RexDog1]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
After the husband checked into the hotel, there was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.
He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends.
After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

LOL....................................

[mad-dog1]

At the cattle ranch....

Quote:
Originally Posted by mbeach
a story comes to mind. a young and old bull were standing on the hill looking down on a heard of cows when the young bull says let's run down there and make love to the pretty heffer looking up at us. at this point, the old wise bull says let's walk down there and make love to the whole heard. make of this what you will, but have a speedy recovery.

The above reminded me of this one....

A young bull and two old bulls were standing on top of a hill overlooking a herd of cows trying to figure out how to divide the herd equally among themselves, The Old bull that had been there the longest tells the others that he'll take 80 of the cows in the ranch and that was his share, The second bull decides that he will take 60 of them for himself, leaving the remaining 20 for the young bull to have....

As they're finalizing the deal they look over to the driveway and there's a trailer rocking and rolling, The driver lower the ramp and while kicking and slamming on the sidewalls here comes the biggest bull they've all have seeing in their lives...!!

The bulls regroup and the old one says " I Guess I can do away with 40 cows from my share..."

The second bull says: "Well I suppose it is only fair, so he can have 25 of my share..."

All the while the young one is kicking the ground in a cloud of dust, acting really tough, the old wise bull tells him to relax and consider sharing some of his cows to their new "guest"

to which the young one replied:
" Sh!t.... he can have all mine, I just have to make sure he knows I'm a bull too...!!!"