Morning Joke Thread

[shepherd]

We all know about Nadya Suleman, the welfare mom who had six kids, then had
artificial insemination and delivered octuplets. Did you hear that Denny's
is now offering a Grand Suleman Breakfast? It consists of 14 eggs and no
sausage ... and the guy next to you pays the bill.

[TMCNo1]

We all know about Nadya Suleman, the welfare mom who had six kids, then had
artificial insemination and delivered octuplets. Did you hear that Denny's
is now offering a Grand Suleman Breakfast? It consists of 14 eggs and no
sausage ... and the guy next to you pays the bill.

Have ya seen where some porn movie producer wants her to star in a series of adult films? I guess they've run out of barnyard animals!

Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman

Thursday, February 26, 2009
By Hollie McKay
AP Nadya Suleman speaks during an interview.



Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Octomom |

Porn Plot: Vivid's Sordid Plans for Octomom
You may want to take a shower after reading this.
Vivid Entertainment has offered Nadya "Octomom" Suleman $1 million to star in a pornographic video. Now Tarts has learned the disgusting details of what they want Octomom to do.
They want Suleman, who gave birth to octuplets in January, to have sex in eight different scenes with eight different men.
"The number eight is obviously heavily associated with her so we would like to work with that," Vivid’s CEO Stephen Hirsch told Tarts. "But we would really love just to sit down and talk with her and come up with something she feels comfortable with. We want her to be involved with the whole thing from the plot line to the packaging."
Hirsch says Suleman has received their offer and is considering it. Suleman did not return calls for comment.
"She’s struggling financially and this is a woman who wants to provide for her kids," Hirsch said. "This way she can hold her head high and not be using taxpayers money to support her family."
However, the New York Post's Cindy Adams is reporting that Octomom has been looking at $1 million houses in the Los Angeles area.
So maybe - let's all pray - she doesn't need the money!

[mrprostar]

A cop sits outside of a popular bar around closing time thinking he will catch a drunk driver. As the bar closes several people file out to their cars followed by one guy stubbling and yelling. He gets to the car and drops his keys. He bends down to pick them up and hits his head on the car. After trying to open the door several times he realizes that its not his car. He wonders around the lot for a while before finding his car. The cop follows him out of the parking lot and down the road. He is swerving around and driving eratically. The cop pulls him over and procedes to give him a field sobriety test. He passes every one without a hitch. The cop says to him, "what happened? You were acting very drunk leaving the bar." "Nothing happened officer, I'm just the designated decoy"

[TMCNo1]

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

[shepherd]

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.'

Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already'

Chuck said, 'Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.'

The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?

Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead horse!'

Chuck said, 'Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead horse?'

Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.'

The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'

Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

Chuck grew up and works now for the government. He was the one who figured out how to "bail us out".

[454Prostar190]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .



All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."



The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."



The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.



And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.........

[SkiDog]

THE LOVE STORY OF RALPH AND EDNA

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there..

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

[chudson]

How you get twins!!!

[SkiDog]

Copper Wire

After having dug to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists
found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the
conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,
California scientists dug to a depth of 20 yards, and shortly after,
headlines in the LA Times newspaper read: ' California archaeologists
have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that
their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications
network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, the 'The Valdosta Daily Times', a local newspaper in
Georgia , reported the following:

After digging as deep as 30 yards in cotton fields near Adel in Cook
County, Bubba Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he
found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years
ago, Georgia had already gone wireless.

[mallees]

A guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?"
"Pay first, those are the rules." says the bartender.
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar.
"OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do:
First, you have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once and you can't make a face while doing it.
Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
Third, there's a 90-year old woman upstairs, who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her."
The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but`your money stays where it is."
As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a few more, he asks,
"Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp, tears streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face.
Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up, and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy scuffle going on outside.
They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping,
And then silence.
Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body.
"Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"

[TMCNo1]

New boots



An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked
back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything
different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging
down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again
tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope", she replied.

"'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a
hat, Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."

[TMCNo1]

HILLBILLY BIRTH

Deep in the back woods,of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!'

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. 'Whoa there', said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think there's another one coming.'

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .. . ..]


'You reckon it might be the light that's attractin'um?

[TMCNo1]

Old Timers Sex
This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself,this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence ."

[jbfootin]

OLD GUYS JUST DON'T CARE

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.
She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.
She told me that I have to stop masturbating.
When I asked her why, she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."!!

[mlay]

On that note this is one of my fav's pulled off TT.

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a

crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "?Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!