Morning Joke Thread

[chudson]

The Honeymoons over for Sully, the media found out he is a Republican!

[2RLAKE]

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the helicopter in front of the White House: he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared-away Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs; these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Excellent trade, sir."

[2RLAKE]

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it ... your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."

Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder."

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ... ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, "Oh no," he
says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me ... I'm off it for lent!

[chudson]

On behalf of St. Patricks day............... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SMorJXe5l4

[Jim@BAWS]

The Dept Of Defense briefed the president this morning, they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obama's face.

Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'

This is especially funny since he obviously has no understanding of billion or
trillion either.

[RexDog1]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and
you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when
you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

[chudson]

Seein the "Are we alone" thread reminded me of an old joke......................

These two little martians land at a closed gas station in a small town in the middle of the night. The two little martians come out of their flying saucer and walk up to the gas pump and say “take me to your leader”. Well of course the gas pump doesn’t say anything and the little martian says it again “take me to your leader”. And the gas pump doesn’t respond again. Now the little martian is getting pretty mad and says again “take me to your leader” or I’ll zap you with my ray gun. So the gas pump doesn’t respond again, the little martian pulls out his ray gun and BZZZZZZZZZZZZ BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. The two little martians come to about a block away one martian looks at the other and says “Harvey you should have known better, any guy that can take his peeker and wrap around himself two times and stick it in his ear has gotta be a mean S.O.B”.

[SkiDog]

A widowed elderly lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, FL. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello sir, how are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3 years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Cape Coral," he answered and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, and noticing that his book was about veterinary medicine, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[TMCNo1]

The Right Answer
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-45, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.
He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then120.
Suddenly he thought, 'What am I doing? I'm too old
for this' and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and
said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a
reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The old gentleman paused. Then said, 'Two years ago, my wife ran off with a State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'

'Have a good day sir,' replied the trooper.

[RexDog1]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!'

[scott023]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, 'Hi, Keith!'

ROTFLMAO...

[TMCNo1]

Subject: neighbors

Dear President Obama,
Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know, the ones who live down the street who in the good times refinanced their house several times and bought SUV's, ATV's, RV's, a pool, three HDTV's, an X-Box, two Wave Runners, new flooring for their home, an enlarged patio, and a Harley. Also, I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?


Richard Ford,

Queen Creek , AZ

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn't file their income tax return this year. Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

CC: 111th U. S. Congress
Capitol Hill
Washington, D.C.

[TMCNo1]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh............................
"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
urse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his
trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had
ever seen.. Length and width, it couldn't have been
bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then
fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able
to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I
a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,
what seems to be the problem ? "

"It's swollen," Fred replied

The nurse started laughing again and hasn't worked since!

[Leah]

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."



Oh that's never true! We just wait until we aren't in front of the patient!

[TMCNo1]

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional
nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a
patient."



Oh that's never true! We just wait until we aren't in front of the patient!

I was hoping you would see that, cause you were the first to come to mind when I read it!