Morning Joke Thread

[jbfootin]

Two drunks stood at the bar near closing time. "I've got an
idea," said one, "let's have one more drink and then go and
find us some girls."

"Not me," replied the other one, "I've got more than I can
handle at home."

"Great," replied the idea man, "then let's have one more
drink and go up to your place!"

[TMCNo1]

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to
your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a
Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially
and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need
to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every
effort should be made to have non-employees attend the
funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall
door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your
second offense, your picture will be posted on the
company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders'
category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be
sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a
balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's
all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.


Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore,
all questions, comments, concerns, complaints,
frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,
allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation
and input should be directed elsewhere.


The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

[stuartmcnair]

US Treasury Department
Good day to you, I am Timothy Geithner, Secretary of the United States
National Treasury. President Barack Obama nominated me to be the 75th
Secretary of the Treasury on January 20, 2009.The United States Senate
unanimously confirmed me to the position on January 26, 2009 and I was sworn
into office on January 26, 2009 by Supreme Court Chief Justice John
Roberts.As Treasury Secretary, I am the President's leading policy advisor
on a broad range of domestic and international economic issues.

Before coming to Treasury, I was 9th president of the Federal Reserve Bank
of New York. In that role i also serves as Vice Chairman of the Federal Open
Market Committee (FOMC).After completing my studies, I worked for Kissinger
and Associates in Washington, D.C., for three years and then joined the
International Affairs division of the U.S. Treasury Department in 1988.and i
went on to serve as an attache at the US Embassy in Tokyo.I was deputy
assistant secretary for international monetary and financial policy (1995–
1996), senior deputy assistant secretary for international affairs (1996-
1997), assistant secretary for international affairs (1997–1998. And i was
Under Secretary of the Treasury for International Affairs (1998–2001) under
Treasury Secretaries Robert Rubin and Lawrence Summers.

The United Nations has given me an Instruction also with the World Bank to
wire a sum of $1m into your Bank Account in a Legal way that is why I have
contacted you the United States Department of Justice, The Attorney Peter
Keisler will get some documents for you so that this Transaction can be
completed without delay.
the following documents needed are as follows.

1: United Nations Stop Order Document
2: World Bank Clearance Certificate
3: President's Approval Letter
4: Proof of Ownership Certificate.

These four documents are needed before I can proceed with the transfer into
your bank account in the meantime; I want you to confirm the following
details to me.

Legal First and Last Name
:Complete Residential Address & Age
Direct Telephone No & Fax
Legal Occupation and Position
Address of Occupation

Please get back to me as soon as possible so we can be done as soon as
possible, the President of the United States ( President Barack Obama)
visited Nashville yesterday so I wasn’t able to get his Approval Certificate
from his office. so try and reach me back via my Personal Email and Note
that you can reach me faster via my personal email.

Thanks and God Bless you




Mr.Timothy Geithner.
Executive Secretary United States Treasury Department
Main Treasury 1500 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, D.C. 20220

You may send U.S. mail toUS Treasury Department.
1500 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington, D.C. 20220 Office
Fax: (202) 622-6415

[shepherd]

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church. ''Father'', he confessed, ''it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month.''

The priest told the sinner, ''You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.''

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. ''Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the past two months.''

This time, the priest questioned, ''Who is this Nookie Green?''

''A new woman in the neighborhood,'' the sinner replied.

''Very well,'' sighed the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, ''Is that Nookie Green?''

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply,

''No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes."

[chudson]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs ---and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,! San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big Breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered.. Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a woman I asked, 'So how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'.

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[Monte]

Harold will appreciate this..

THINGS I LEARNED IN NORTH CAROLINA ..

1) A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.



2) There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in NC .



3) There are 10,000 types of spiders , and all 10,000 of them live in NC .



4) If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.



5) "Onced" and "Twiced" are words.



6) It is not a shopping cart, it's a buggy.


7) "Jaw-P?" means, "Did y'all go to the bathroom?"



8) People actually grow and eat okra.


9) "Fixinto" is one word.



10) There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there is supper...


11) Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.



12) Backwards and forwards means, "I know everythin ' about you."



13) The word "jeet" is actually a phrase meaning, "Did you eat ?"



14) You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.



15) You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.



16) You measure distance in minutes.


17) You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.



18) All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.



19) You know what a "Dawg" is.



20) You carry jumper cables in your car - for your own car.



21) You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete, Tabasco and ketchup.


22) The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.



23) You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday..



24) You find 100 degrees "a bit warm."


25) You know all four seasons : Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas .



26) Going to Walmart is a favorite past time known as "goin' Walmartin" or "off to Wally World."



27) You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good hog killin' weather.



28) Fried catfish is the other white meat.


29) We don't need no dang Driver's Ed... If our mama says we can drive, we can drive, dag-nabbit.


30) You understand these jokes and forward them to your NC friends and those who just wish they were from North Carolina !!!!!

[JohnE]

I'm glad I'm not from North Carolina. I wish I were in North Carolina.

[TMCNo1]

31) Everyone knows how much you drive, by the amount of chewing tobacco juice on the side of the truck!

31) The flat possum is usually Sunday dinner when the preacher is visiting.

32) You mow the yard every 3 weeks, whether it needs it or not.

34) You vacation in Mexico by spending at least 3 hours a day for a week @ Walmart.

35) Drunk driving in NC is not a addiction, it's a profession.

36) Friday nights are only for filling up the truck with gas, eatin' seafood and making music.

37) The only roads without potholes are in the neighborhoods of the local politicians.

38) Grandpa always gives you a quarter for the collection plate at church.

39) Very few breast implants are performed in NC, that's why we have so many people who sell socks.

40) Spending the night at your cousins is called a Bed and Breakfast.

and the list goes on and on.

[shepherd]

IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at a casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

[2RLAKE]

Obama's plan for the NFL

Pittsburgh, PA. The Super Bowl XLIII Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, the only team to win six titles, will soon be loosing half of those trophies. After a meeting between NFL Commissioner Rodger Gadel and President Barack Hussain Obama, Obama decided to redistribute half of
their Steeler Super Bowl victories and trophies to less fortunate teams in the league.

"We live everyday in the country that invented the Super Bowl." said Obama "We are not about to lose this Great American tradition in the wake of these difficult times." Obama's plan calls for the Steelers, who are a successful NFL team, to give half of their Super Bowl trophies to teams that are not successful or have not been as successful as the Steelers. "The Detroit Loins are just as much a part of the same fiber of the NFL as the Steelers and they should, no rather will, be entitled to a Super Bowl Trophy as well." Obama explains in his plan that he has imposed on Godel and the NFL.

The Pittsburgh Steelers, who by virtue of hard work, excellent team play, stellar draft choices, responsible investing of free agents, careful hiring of coaches and excellent community service and commitment to their fans, has prospered greatly during the past 30 years and have won six Super Bowl Trophies. But President Barack Hussain Obama's plan calls for the Pittsburgh Steelers to carry the larger burden of the NFL's less successful teams.

Obama went on to further proclaim, "In these difficult times we are all in this to work together. We must reclaim the NFL Championship Dream for every team, for every city and for every fan."
"My plan will not affect 31 of the 32 teams in the league." Obama assures. That's over 95 percent of the teams in the NFL will not have to worry about loosing any Super Bowl Trophies. "The worst teams in the NFL and the teams that can't seem to get a break and win a championship will no longer have to worry about going without a title." Obama promises. "We are a country and league of hope. We all need to make a change. It does not matter the color of the teams uniforms, the personal decisions that the teams make or their performance but rather if they are a member of this great American league."

The Super Bowl XLIII trophy will be redistributed to the 0-16 Detroit Lions. Through no fault of their own incompetence, the Lions could not manage a victory all season and this trophy will help ease the pain of their lack of performance and give them hope once again. The redistribution of Super Bowl XL trophy will go directly to the Steeler's division rival the Cincinnati Bengals. The Bengals who also have fallen on hard times have never won a Super Bowl. This victory will bring a
smile to hundreds of Bengal fans all over the world as they can now celebrate. Finally, one of the Steeler's two Super Bowl victories over the Dallas Cowboys will go back to the Cowboys since the league needs to provide hope in the face of difficulty and provide hope in the face of uncertainty. This is a heavy burden for the Steelers but together we can all prosper.

All hope is not lost for Pittsburgh fans, Barack Hussain Obama has another plan in place. Obama has meet with MLB and commissioner Bud Selig on a similar plan. The New York Yankees will redistribute two of their world series trophies to the Pittsburgh Pirates as a supplement to
their loosing 16 straight seasons and counting. This plan will help stimulate the Pirates and enable them to regain the American Dream.

Barack Hussain Obama will be meeting with the NHL and Michael Phelps in
the upcoming weeks as this issue is high on his agenda for "Hope and
Change."

[SkiDog]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly
gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years .'
________________________________________

[SkiDog]

CHAZ







GOLF and PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.

[scott023]

CHAZ







GOLF and PANTIES

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt
up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any
skivvies?', Ole demanded.
Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and
says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and
buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball
on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she,
too, is wearing no undies.
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the
sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes
her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta
be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well,
fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....
Tidy yerself up a bit.

Saw hat one coming... still laughed my butt off.

[Delete1]

A Priest, a Rabbi and a Leprechaun walk into a Bar. The Leprechaun says, I'm in the wrong f....ing joke.
Sorry, one of my customers told it to me, I thought it was hilarious.

[TMCNo1]

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked
about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm
doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the
shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank
you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the
barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community
service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bil l, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card
and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and
'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the
shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the
citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.