Morning Joke Thread

[2RLAKE]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.


The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.


Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered.... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[2RLAKE]

Three New Navy Ships

USS REAGAN

When the Bridge pipes 'Man the Rail' there is a lot of rail to man on this monster: shoulder to shoulder, around 4..5 acres. Her displacement is about 100,000 tons with full complement.
Capability
1. Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
2.. Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
3... Carries over 80 combat aircraft
4. Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet
Size
1.. Towers 20 stories above the waterline
2.. 1092 feet long; nearly as long as the Empire State Building is tall
3.. Flight deck covers 4.5 acres
4.. 4 bronze propellers, each 21 feet across, weighing 66,200 pounds
5.. 2 rudders, each 29 by 22 feet and weighing 50 tons
6.. 4 high speed aircraft elevators, each over 4,000 square feet
Capacity
1.. Home to about 6,000 Navy personnel
2. Carries enough food and supplies to operate for 90 days
3.. 18,150 meals served daily;
4. Distillation plants provide 400,000 gallons of fresh water from sea water daily, enough for 2,000 homes
5.. Nearly 30,000 light fixtures and 1,325 miles of cable and wiring 1,400 telephones
6.. 14,000 pillowcases and 28,000 sheets
7. Costs the Navy approximately $250,000 per day for pier side operation
8. Costs the Navy approximately $25 million per day for underway operations (Sailor's salaries included).

[2RLAKE]

USS BILL CLINTON

The USS William Jefferson Clinton (CVS1) set sail today from its home port of Vancouver , BC .
The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton 'for his foresight in military budget cuts' and his conduct while holding the (formerly dignified) office of President.

The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots.

It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which, although they cannot be launched on the 100 foot flight deck, form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board.

This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type One DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may seem hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.
In times of conflict, the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada .

[2RLAKE]

USS BARACK OBAMA

dont ask

[TMCNo1]

Just funny.


Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, " pick up your shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promise land".

Nearly 75 years ago, Roosevelt said, " Lay down your shovels , sit on your asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land".

Now Obama is going to steal your shovel, kick your asses, raise the price of camels, and mortgage the promised land.

[Footin]

Hillbilly Vasectomy

After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. 'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me..'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point, he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee , Kentucky , Louisiana , Arkansas , Mississippi , Alabama , Georgia , Florida , West Virginia ....and Washington DC .

[coz]

A touching story

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear... Both of them are Daddy Long legs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

'Well, that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that sh!t in Arizona!.....she said.

[jbfootin]

Having lunch one day, a sex therapist said to her friend,
"According to a survey we just completed, ninety percent
of all people masturbate in the shower. The other ten percent
of them sing."

"Really?" asked the friend.

The therapist shook her head and proceeded to ask, "And do
you know what song they sing?"

The friend nodded her head and replied, "No."

The therapist replied, "I didn't think so."

[TMCNo1]

Jose and Carlos are both beggars.. They beg in different parts of town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but only collects about eight or nine dollars a day. Jose brings home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day. He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house, and has a lot of money to spend.

"Hey, amigo," Carlos says to Jose, "I work just as long and hard as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten dollar bills every day?

Jose says, "Look at your sign, what does it say?"

Carlo's sign reads; "I have no work, a wife and six kids to support." "What's wrong with that?" Carlos asks him.

Jose says, "No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars a day!"

Carlo's says, "Alright, what does your sign say?"

It reads, "I only need ten more dollars to get back to Mexico ......"

[TMCNo1]

I knew it !!! I knew they would finally release the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Fix-A-Flat

[TMCNo1]

Best comeback line ever,

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.

[ProStar190Fan]

Best comeback line ever,

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went momentarily silent and the interview ended.

please post the audio is you have it.

Tom

[TMCNo1]

please post the audio is you have it.

Tom

This came to me in a email with just a picture of the General, but funny nonetheless. He makes a valid point, true or not!

[SOCALX45]

Bill Cosby has a great way of distilling things. Looks like he's done it again!


I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE.
HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1) 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language. Speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the Wal-Mart policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens..

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the president nor any other politician will be able to touch it.


(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade

(7) Professional Athletes--Steroids. The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There are no more life sentences. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed, Wheat. The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.
Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes


GOD BLESS AMERICA


Bill Cosby

[SOCALX45]

For all of you who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally ...
'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.

'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.