Morning Joke Thread

[RickDV]

A salesman from New York is driving the back roads of Maine looking for a rural address. He finds a general store and stops to ask directions. The shop owner says

"Ayyupp. Go down the road a piece until you see an old red pickup truck and turn right."

Salesman says "What if the old red truck isn't there?"

"Ayyupp, I suppose you should turn right anyway."

[Footin]

Subject: Anger Management Advice....a man after my heart!

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take
It
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten
to
make. I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin
Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that
anyone could be so rude.

I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed
the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I
decided to
call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an *******!"
and
hung up.

I wrote his number down

with the word '*******' next to it, and put it
In my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really
bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always
cheered me
up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '*******'
calling
would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar
with
our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some
guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that
spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his
car window, so I wrote down his

number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had
his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******,
too.
I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the
car's
parked right out in front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an *******."
Then I hung up, and added his number to my Speed dial, too. Now, when I
had
a problem, I had two *******s to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.
"Hello."
"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I

said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"*******, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my
black
Beamer parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start
saying
your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******."

Then I called ******* #2.
"Hello?" he said.
"Hello, *******," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
I'll kick your ***," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."
Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived
at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my
gay
lover.
Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West
34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw
the
two

*******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad
cars,
a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works!!!

[jmyers]

That was a good one!

[SKI*MC]

LMFAO!!!! that is so funny!

[pilot02]

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.





Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"





The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.



The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"




The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.



The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!"



At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says...................

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk

[SKI*MC]

Hahaha!!!!

[bradamerry]

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in rural Arkansas
near a blacktop highway. A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully
drew his bow and took careful aim.


Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral
procession passing on the road below their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat,


bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.


His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching
thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known."


The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

[bradamerry]

May have already been posted??? Still good.

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300lb. ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. @#ck those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a @?%#ing grenade in my mouth, pull the $#@!ing pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my f#$%ing mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s#i$ to match my &*%damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. $@ck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the !@#$ing 4inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[mark g]

Subject: Funeral Arrangements....



A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed
a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long Black Hearse was followed by a second long black hearse
about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking
in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached
the man walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the
two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"




"Join the queue."

[bradamerry]

..........................................

[bradamerry]

.....................................

[JLeuck64]

A pirate walks into a bar with one of those big wooden steering wheels they use to pilot the ship hanging out from his pants. The bartendar says "Excuse me sir, but did you know there is a steering wheel poking out from your pants?" The pirate says "AARRGH Matey, she's driving me nuts!"

[LakePirate]

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[pilot02]

A Gynecological Exam!!

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor

took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"



"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," said the doctor.



He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asked.



"Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.



Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse
with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"



"Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I came here
in the first place."

[sizzler]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
>Dublin.
> >
> > She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit
> > as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What
> > man
>here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
> > But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand
> > down
>on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!"
> >
> > The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She
> > turned
>to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the
>same
>hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?"
> >
> > Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar
> > and
>said, "Give the ballerina another drink!"
> >
> > The bartender approached the little drunk and said,
> > "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a
> > drink,
>but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?"
> >
> > The drunk replied,"Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got
> > to
>be a ballerina!"
> >
> > Fw: OOOOPS
> >
> > Sorry, the first attempt got garbled up. Hope this come through
> > right.
> >
> > A jumbo jet is making its final approach to the Tampa Airport. The
> > pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our
> > final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us
> > today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area".
> >
> > He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear
> > his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot can be heard saying
> > to the pilot, "So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're in Tampa?"
> >
> > "Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and
> > take a big crap .. then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the
> > big boobs out for dinner.... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take
> > her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all
> > night long."
> >
> > Aghast and amused,everyone on the plane hears this and immediately
> > begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this
> > new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.
> >
> > Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the
> > plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the
> > cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips
> > over an old lady's
>bag
> > and down she goes.
> >
> > The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's
> > gotta take a crap first."