Morning Joke Thread

[dt37803]

Did you all know that if Trump gets elected he will be the first millionaire to move into government housing vacated by a black family?

[pmkkdx]

... LOL

[mikeg205]

Did you all know that if Trump gets elected he will be the first millionaire to move into government housing vacated by a black family?

pure irony..

[Olaff]

This midget walks into a bar downtown, climbs up on a barstool with a big smile on his face. Bratender says "Whaddal ya have?"
The midget says "Man this is a great bar, best bar I've ever seen, I just moved in to the apartment next door, greatest bar ever, I'm gonna come here every night and tell all my friends what a great bar this is".

Pleased with the little guy's enthusiasm the bartender pours him a beer in the biggest, frostiest 40 oz. mug he has and says "Here ya' go little buddy, this one's on the house".

The midget grabs the mug and turns the beer up and chugs the whole thing down.
Not a minute later the bartender turns around and the little guy is gone; no tip, no "thank you", nothing. Bartender gets a little pissed.

About 45 minutes go by and all of a sudden the midget is back on the barstool. The bartender sees him and comes over and says "Hey buddy, where'd ya go? One minute you were here and the next you were gone."

The midget says "Oh man, I hate this bar, it's the worst bar ever, I'm never coming here again"

Bartender says "Why? What happened?"

"Well I grabbed that big frosty beer you gave me and I drank it all down in one swallow see. And I have this really small bladder and it got really filled up really fast and I had to go an pee really bad."

Bartender says "Well what's the problem, the bathroom is right around the corner."

"Well I went in there and I was taking a pee, and the next thing I know there is a big guy with a big pistol stuck to the side of my head and the guy holding it says "Blow me or I'll shoot ya' "

Bartender - "Christ buddy I'm sorry, so what did you do"


Midget "Well you didn't hear a BANG did ya!!!"

[moosehead]

An Italian, a Greek, and a Jew are negotiating with a hooker who will do anything for $100 so long as it can be directed in three words.

The Italian says "in the mouth". She provides said services and collects the Benjamin.

Greek guy says "in the butt". She complies and takes the hundo.

Jewish guy asks, anything I want for $100, in three words? She nods yes. Jewish guy says, "paint my house".

[moosehead]

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?". Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING".

Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".

She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of *** of my life in New Jersey".

The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?". Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".

[Maristar210]

An older couple is driving down to Florida from New Jersey for the winter. The old lady, who has lost much of her hearing, is pulled over at the Florida state line for driving at a high rate of speed.

The officer approaches the vehcile, looks in and asks the lady, "do you know that I clocked you at 92 MPH?" The deaf old gal says "what, huh?". Her husband tries to help by nearly yelling at her "YOU WERE SPEEDING".

Cop then asks "license and registration, please". The lady looks up and says "huh,what?". Her husband leans over and says a bit loudly "HE WANTS YOUR LICENSE".

She hands the policeman her license, and the officer who is getting tired of this translator bit mutters under his breath, "you're from New Jersey, I had the worst piece of *** of my life in New Jersey".

The lady, who still can't hear anything, says, "what did he say?". Her husband leans over and yells: "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU".

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA A

[gt23]

An Italian, a Greek, and a Jew are negotiating with a hooker who will do anything for $100 so long as it can be directed in three words.

The Italian says "in the mouth". She provides said services and collects the Benjamin.

Greek guy says "in the butt". She complies and takes the hundo.

Jewish guy asks, anything I want for $100, in three words? She nods yes. Jewish guy says, "paint my house".

heck of a deal for the jew! haha

[gt23]

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother’s Day. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.

The first man said: “I bought a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”

The second man said: “I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”

The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear a sweater, it’s cold outside’.”

[gt23]

As a couple approach the altar, the groom tells his wife-to-be: “Honey, I’ve got something to confess: I’m a golf nut, and every chance I get, I’ll be playing golf!”

“Since we’re being honest,” replies the bride, “I have to tell you that I’m a hooker.”

The groom replies: “That’s okay, honey. You just need to learn to keep your head down and your left arm straight.”

[gt23]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

“Well, it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows.”

“We went to look for them and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was the golf ball with my wife’s monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.”

“What did you do?” asks the doctor.

“Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!”

[gt23]

In the Mormon Church there is a family that has recently been baptized. After a month of being new members the Bishop calls them in separately to see how they are doing. During an interview with the father, the bishop asks,
“Will you give a talk next Sunday in Church?”
The new convert replies, “Sure, but what would you like me to give my talk on?”
“On anything you feel that would be beneficial to the congregation, like past experiences and such that have changed your life in a positive way.”
So he goes home and immediately starts thinking about what he would like to speak on. One night as he is working on his talk his wife comes up to him and asks,
“So honey, what are you going to give your talk on?”
“Well, after much thought, I have decided to give a talk on water skiing.”
“Water skiing! What? This is Church we are talking about; you can’t give a talk on water skiing. It would be indecent!”
“The Bishop said I can give a talk on anything I wanted to and I want to give it on water skiing!”
Her husband is known to be a big joker so she shrugs it off not worrying about it for the time being. As Sunday comes though, she starts to get nervous and can’t take it any longer. When they arrive at the church parking lot she says to him,
“Alright sweetheart, the jokes over. What are you really going to give your talk on?”
“I was being serious; I really am going to give a talk on water skiing!”
His wife responds, “Well, if that’s the way you are going to be, me and the kids do not want to be embarrassed by this, so we will wait out here in the car while you give your talk!”
“Fine, be that way!” He replies.
So he goes into Church while his family stays in the car. As he sits down and waits for his turn to speak, he thinks it over and realizes that his wife is probably right. Talking about water skiing in Church? What was I thinking?!! So he goes to his back up plan. He gives a talk on adultery. After he gives his talk and the session ends he goes back to the parking lot to get his wife and kids and to apologize for the way he acted. But before he could say anything to them the Bishop comes up and turns to his wife and remarks,
“Your husband gave one of the best talks in Church. I mean there wasn’t even a dry eye in the room after he finished!”
The wife stared at the Bishop incredulously and said,
“You must be joking! He’s only done it twice. Once with my mother and once with my sister and couldn’t get up either time!!”

[gt23]

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep ****.

[slalomjunkie]

Two blondes walk up to a perfume counter. The first one picks up a sample bottle, sprays it on her wrist, smells it, and says, "That's nice, don't you think, Tracy?"

Tracy says, "Yeah. What's it called, Sharon?"

Sharon says, "Viens a moi."

Tracy says, "Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

The store clerk says, "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'Come to me.'"

Sharon takes another sniff and says,

"That doesn't smell like come to me. Does it smell like come to you?"

[curver900]

now that was funny thanks!!!!