Morning Joke Thread

[gt23]

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team? A: Because everybody who can run, jump and swim are already in the U.S.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gt23]

Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gt23]

These guys are funny.

http://youtu.be/pmG0ZNEPYEY

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gt23]

If a stadium full of midgets tried the wave what would it be called?...

The ripple....

Forgive me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[curver900]

you are on fire!!!! how nice that we can have some good humor for a change...

[gt23]

Thanks.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gt23]

These two guys go hunting and the one guy says, "Good lord, I
can see your house from here and your wife's cheatin' on you with
another guy!" The other guy says, "Oh, I've had it with her.
Shoot her in the head and him in the privates!" He says, "I
can get that in one shot!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[gt23]

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die. They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them "Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. Please form a single-file line." And they do so. St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her "Sister, have you ever touched a *****?" The Sister Responds "Well... there was this one time... that I kinda sorta... touched one with the tip of my pinky finger..." St. Peter says "Alright Sister, now dip the tip of your pinky finger in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted." and she did so. St. Peter now turns to the second nun and says "Sister, have you ever touched a *****?" "Well.... There was this one time... that I held one for a moment..." "Alright Sister, now just wash your hands in the Holy Water, and you may be admitted" and she does so. Now at this, there is a noise, a jostling in the line. It seems that one nun is trying to cut in front of another! St. Peter sees this and asks the Nun "Sister Susan, what is this? There is no rush!" Sister Susan responds "Well if I'm going to have to gargle this stuff, I'd rather do it before Sister Mary sticks her *** in it!"

[gt23]

Not sure if this was posted already but

A guy is sitting at the bar drinking by himself. He keeps noticing this lady glancing over at him. He sits there and keeps drinking. She keeps glancing. Eventually she gets fed up and walks over and says " I've been glancing at you all night and I was hoping you'd come over and talk to me, I was wondering if you wanted to get together sometime, can I get your number"? He says in an excited voice "sure, do you have a pen"? Yes she says very proud and eagerly rustles through her purse to find one... He interrupts her and says "well we should probably let the farmer know you got out"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[hondaprlud]

A husband excitedly opens a package and says to his wife "Honey my Olympic colored condoms are here! I'm going to wear the gold one tonight!"

She reply's "Wear the silver and come second for a change"

[LDA6339]

A news report claims terrorists have begun putting explosives inside tins of Alphabetti Spaghetti. If one goes off it could spell disaster.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[scott023]

Pretty sure those two will get deleted...

[2RLAKE]

Gym advice for seniors

An old man was working out at the gym when he spotted a very attractive young blonde walking in

He asked the trainer standing next to him "What machine should I use to impress that lady over there?"

The trainer looked over and said "I would recommend the ATM in the lobby"

[slalomjunkie]

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole Blue in that program?"

"Just send him over here with $1,000," the young Arkie says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole Blue doing son?" his Father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dogan neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.

She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a lying ***** his girlfriend turned out to be!



Make America Great Again

[04 Star Rider]

Happy Friday!!