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  • Originally posted by slalomjunkie View Post
    Two women go to heaven and meet St Peter at the gate, he told the two women you can do anything you want here in heaven but please do not step on a duck because they make a terrible noise and racket.

    The two women agreed and entered heaven. One day, one of the women accidently stepped on a duck and sure enough it made such a terrible noise and racket, soon after that St. Peter came over to her with an ugly man next to him and immediately chained him to the woman and she sadly walked away with the ugly man.

    The other woman was shocked and took extra precautions not to step on a duck and after much time had passed St Peter came over to her with a handsome man and chained him to her. The woman excitedly blushed and looked at the man and said, I am not sure what I did to get chained to you, but this is great, and the handsome man looked at her and said, I am not sure , all I did was step on a duck.
    Lmao. I'll share this one.

    Comment


    • My 1 day employment

      So, after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,
      a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day....

      About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
      unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,
      yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
      I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart.
      Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
      The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
      'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
      Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'
      So I replied,
      'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone
      slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at
      Wal-Mart.'
      My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work

      Comment


      • One night I took my wife to a disco. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it all he had - break dancing, moonwalking, back flips... My wife says to me "That guy proposed to me 25 years ago and I turned him down." I said "I see he’s still celebrating"
        The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

        Comment


        • Redneck Sexual IQ Test

          A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

          Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

          v-gina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

          A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

          A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

          Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

          Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

          Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

          Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

          Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False

          An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

          A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

          An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

          A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

          An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

          Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
          The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

          Comment


          • Originally posted by slalomjunkie View Post
            Redneck Sexual IQ Test

            A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

            Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

            v-gina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False

            A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

            A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

            Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

            Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

            Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

            Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

            Fetus is a character on Gun smoke. True or False

            An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

            A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

            An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

            A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

            An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

            Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
            Had a few chuckles there.

            Comment


            • A Mexican, a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

              He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

              "I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

              Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

              The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa .."

              Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline .

              The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

              Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

              The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

              Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

              Turning to the Redneck , the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

              The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

              The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"
              The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

              Comment


              • Originally posted by slalomjunkie View Post
                A Mexican, a Black, a Muslim and a Redneck were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

                He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

                "I can only grant four wishes, "the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

                Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

                The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa .."

                Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline .

                The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my people back to our homeland, May-he-co!"

                Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet Pickups appeared on the beach.

                The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah."

                Poof! It was done! ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

                Turning to the Redneck , the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

                The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

                The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Light. It doesn't get any better than this!"
                Change the Redneck to Donald Trump and he orders a martini and you'd have something more current.

                Comment


                • The parish priest went on a fishing trip.

                  On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.

                  The guide, holding a net, yelled, 'Look at the size of that Son of a B#tch!'

                  'Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!'

                  'No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a B#tch fish!'

                  'Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a B#tch!'

                  Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.

                  'Father, that's the biggest Son of a B#tch I've ever seen'

                  'Yes, it is a big Son of a B#tch. What should I do with it?'

                  'Why, eat it, of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a B#tch!'

                  Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.

                  While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.

                  'Take a look at this big Son of a B#tch I caught!'

                  Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, 'Father!'

                  'It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a B#tch fish!'

                  'Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a B#tch?'

                  Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a B#tch for his dinner.

                  'I'll even clean the Son of a B#tch', she said.

                  As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.

                  'What are you doing Sister?'

                  'Father wants me to clean this big Son of a B#tch for the new Bishop's Dinner'

                  'Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!'

                  'No, no, no, it's called a Son of a B#tch Fish.'

                  'Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a B#tch can be the main course!

                  Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a B#tch.'

                  On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.

                  The new Bishop said, 'This is great fish, where did you get it?'

                  'I caught that Son of a B#tch!' proclaimed the proud priest.

                  'And I cleaned the Son of a B#tch!' exclaimed the Sister.

                  The Friar added, 'And I prepared the Son of a B#tch, using a special recipe!

                  The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, 'You mother f---ers are my kind of people!'
                  The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                  Comment


                  • Shortly after my divorce, I called my ex-wife and, disguising my voice, and I asked to speak to myself.

                    She replied with "Sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, we're divorced."

                    The next day, I called again and got the same results.

                    I did this every day for a week, and finally she realized it was me calling.

                    She blew up and said "Look, Bozo! We're divorced! Finito! End of story! When are you going to get that through your fat head?"

                    I said, "Oh, I know, I just can't hear it enough"

                    ========

                    Two border patrol agents are at the border of Texas and Mexico on a scorching summer day. The air conditioning is out in their truck, so they are trying to take refuge from the sun under the only tree in the area. All of a sudden, they see three Mexican men jumping the fence into Texas. Neither of the agents wants to leave the shade, but they agree that they have to.

                    They go over to the three men and try to make a deal, ensuring that they'll be able to return to the shade quickly without having to do any paperwork.

                    The first agent says to the men, "If you can say a sentence in English that consists of the words 'green', 'pink', and 'yellow', then we'll let you cross without any hassle. If not, then you'll all have to return to Mexico without a fuss."

                    The first man thinks for a few minutes, but comes up with nothing. The agents send him back.

                    The second man sounds out the words, but can't put them in a sentence. The agents send him back as well.

                    The third man thinks for a couple of minutes, and then a big smile covers his face. "Okay, okay, I have one. When the phone 'greens', I 'pink' it up and say 'yellow'."

                    ======

                    A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all.

                    He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in the middle of nowhere, Montana.

                    After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming of hoof beats outside his cabin. Grabbing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse.

                    "Hold it friend," the man says, "I'm your neighbor. I have a ranch about 6 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a welcome party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancin', drinkin' huggin', kissin', humpin' and fightin'.... It's gonna be a great time!"

                    Not wanting to be un-neighborly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

                    "Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbor. "Only gonna be the two of us."
                    The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                    Comment


                    • I took this from www.thehulltruth.com

                      HELL EXPLAINED


                      The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
                      chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

                      The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
                      with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
                      pleasure of enjoying it as well:


                      Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
                      heat)?


                      Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
                      cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


                      One student, however, wrote the following:
                      First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
                      to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
                      they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
                      once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
                      leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
                      different religions that exist in the world today.


                      Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
                      religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
                      religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
                      project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
                      we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
                      look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
                      that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
                      volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


                      This gives two possibilities:


                      1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
                      Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
                      breaks loose.


                      2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
                      then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


                      So which is it?


                      If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
                      that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
                      account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
                      true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
                      over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
                      follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
                      extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
                      divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
                      God."







                      THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by jeffbare View Post
                        I took this from www.thehulltruth.com

                        HELL EXPLAINED


                        The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona
                        chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

                        The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it
                        with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the
                        pleasure of enjoying it as well:


                        Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
                        heat)?


                        Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas
                        cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


                        One student, however, wrote the following:
                        First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need
                        to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which
                        they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that
                        once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are
                        leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
                        different religions that exist in the world today.


                        Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their
                        religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these
                        religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
                        project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are,
                        we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we
                        look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states
                        that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the
                        volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


                        This gives two possibilities:


                        1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
                        Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell
                        breaks loose.


                        2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,
                        then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


                        So which is it?


                        If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year
                        that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into
                        account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be
                        true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen
                        over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it
                        follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,
                        extinct..... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a
                        divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my
                        God."







                        THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
                        Hard not to give the A+ on that, well thought out answer.

                        Comment


                        • Dirty Jonny was in his 2nd grade class during a flash quiz whereby students identify a word that starts with each letter of the alphabet, and then use that word in a sentence.

                          The teacher, Mrs. Jones, was a bit nervous on certain letters of the alphabet given Dirty Jonny’s propensity to use inappropriate language.

                          Mrs. Jones starts the quiz with the first letter of the alphabet, “A”. Of course, Dirty Jonny’s hand shoots up enthusiastically. But she cannot call on Dirty Jonny because he will predictably say azzhole. Mrs. Jones smartly calls on Sally instead, who says: “A”, Apple, This Apple is delicious.

                          Mrs. Jones keeps working her way through the alphabet, and gets to “F”. Dirty Jonny nearly launches himself into orbit with both hands up seeking to get called on. Mrs. Jones has been to this rodeo and safely calls on Bobby, who says: “F”, Firetruck, The Firetruck is red.

                          Dirty Jonny is so rejected he stays quiet through the bulk of the rest of the quiz, until Mrs. Jones gets to “R”. Multiple kids raise their hands. Sheepishly, slowly, Dirty Jonny raises his hand last.

                          Mrs. Jones considers all possible things Dirty Jonny could say using the letter “R”, and convinces herself that he can do little to no damage, so she calls on him.

                          Dirty Jonny stands up slowly, still a bit meek about not getting called on earlier despite his engaging volunteerism, and says:

                          “R”, rat, A BIG MOTHERFxxxING RAT WITH A 10-INCH CoxK!

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by scott023 View Post
                            Hard not to give the A+ on that, well thought out answer.
                            Unless Teresa is the professor's daughter!

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by 03 35th Anniversary View Post
                              Unless Teresa is the professor's daughter!
                              Based on the sharpness of the answer, I think the student is bright enough to omit a detail like that.

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by scott023 View Post
                                Based on the sharpness of the answer, I think the student is bright enough to omit a detail like that.
                                You'd be amazed at some of the short falls of a hormonal collage guy!

                                Comment

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