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  • Originally posted by moosehead View Post
    Even the Trump wives are Russian out.
    hahah, clever!
    Kevin

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    • POTUS pays blackmail to pornstar, then hires pornstache.




      Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

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      • Saint Peter is seeing all of the new arrivals trying to go through the
        pearly gates in Heaven.

        The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good
        one.

        "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had
        just gotten out of the shower.

        Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry
        too.

        I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

        I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy
        clinging to the rail by his fingertips.

        I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go
        and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

        On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our
        antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and
        killed him.

        At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
        died." Saint Peter thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

        The second applicant said that his last day was his worst..."I was on the
        roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled
        over my tools and toppled off the building.

        I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some
        idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.

        I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I
        saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but
        failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

        Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting
        room.

        Saint Peter is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters.

        He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the
        two fellows that arrived here just before you."

        I don't know" replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this
        cedar chest…..

        Comment


        • Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

          Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"



          Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"



          Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I Think I've got that right, Now."



          Stevie: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop
          playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I
          play, it seems to be all right."



          Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"



          Stevie: "Yes, I've been playing for years."



          Tiger: "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"



          Stevie: "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway
          and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball
          towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves
          to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball
          towards his voice."



          "But, how do you putt" asks Tiger.



          "Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole
          and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball
          towards his voice."



          Tiger: "What's your handicap?"



          Stevie: "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."



          Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."



          Stevie: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for
          money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a
          problem?"



          Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for
          that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"



          Stevie: "Pick a night."

          Comment


          • I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

            This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
            I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
            She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
            I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
            Cost me 6 stitches...but,
            When you’re 63..............who cares?

            I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.
            "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
            After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
            I said, "Yesterday."
            Cost me a kick in the nuts, but...
            When you’re 63...............who cares?
            *********

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            • HAHA , Good Tom
              If she don't shine , she ain't mine

              Comment


              • Those were pretty good Murtha…

                Kinda reminds me of the time I went into Walgreens years ago… After my divorce, I was ready to get back to the whole dating scene, and I went to buy some condoms. Well, I asked the clerk which condoms were the best most natural feeling condoms, and he said “I think the ones made of lambs skin are the most natural feeling…” I said “Not to us city boys, I bet…”

                While I am glad I’m not alone, I have to say Mrs. Slalom Junkie’s cooking is much to be desired… I mean seriously guys, we pray AFTER the meal. She told me the other day she needed more space so I locked her out of the house. She calls m the other day and says she’s lost, I asked “where are you?” She says in the car… :facepalm:

                True story, I have a buddy that is going to remarry his ex-wife, I keep thinking about WHY… Then it occurred to me he’d be getting his money back… Anyways, I am happy for him, we all know women are saints - they forgive us even when we’re not guilty.

                Happy hump day - hope it’s with a stocky boxer dog named buddy like it was for me over the weekend – that sucked.

                SJ



                PS: remember that God created Adam first and Eve as second because he wasn’t interested in listening to anyone telling him how to make Adam…
                The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                Comment


                • An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft!
                  A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.
                  The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone!
                  He yelled,
                  "Mayday, mayday! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack! I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory! I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph! Mayday, mayday!"
                  The employee in the tower immediately put him on speaker phone.
                  “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic! Remain calm!”
                  He began his series of questions:
                  Tower :“How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?”
                  Aircraft :“I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter dial in front of me!”
                  Tower :“Okay, that’s good, remain calm! How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?”
                  Aircraft :“I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me!”
                  Tower :
                  “Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast. So how do you know you’re flying upside down?”
                  Aircraft :
                  “The crap in my pants is running out of my shirt collar!!"

                  Comment


                  • The Nurse Language

                    The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, “you have a cute baby.”

                    The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”

                    “No,” she replied, “just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”

                    The husband then asked “so what do say to the others?”

                    The nurse replied, “the baby looks just like you.”
                    1981 MasterCraft
                    19' Skier 351W PowerSlot
                    Long gone is the Trans AM waiting for another

                    Comment


                    • Why does Dr. Pepper still come in a bottle?

                      His wife is dead.

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                      • Hey gang, been a while since I spewed anything on this thread, so I figured why not?

                        The other day, I popped these awesome bacon wrapped stuffed shrimps from Costco into the oven at 475. They were smoking so bad the fire alarm went off. Mrs. SlalomJunkie’s parents are staying with us right now and when she walked into the kitchen I said “Looky there, the fire alarm’s going off and it’s not even your fault this time! ”

                        Her parents laughed at least…

                        One thing I’ve learned in life is that a woman has to sleep on the right side of the bed… Such bullmalarky that they gotta be right even when they sleep but WTH do I know…

                        Enjoy your day guys

                        SJ

                        =====================

                        A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! What are you doing?”

                        The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.”

                        So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint. After a while, the lizard says his mouth is ‘dry’ and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks thru the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

                        A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, “What’s the matter with you?”

                        The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

                        The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. He looks up and says “Hey you!”

                        The Monkey looks down and says, “Duuuuuuuuuude…….how much water did you drink?!”
                        The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                        Comment


                        • So true!!

                          And very funny!!


                          Great to see you back in the saddle! again!!

                          Comment


                          • Yep your right, the wife has the right side of the bed. Fine with me because it’s where the dogs go to get outside.
                            If its not a competition ski boat, its always second best.

                            2008 MasterCraft X14, LY6, 400 HP
                            1994 MasterCraft ProStar 205 (SOLD)

                            Check out MasterCraft Buckeye Bash on Facebook!

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                            • Thanks, there's a reason I graduated college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol content).

                              No but seriously, you just can't buy love even though you pay heavily for it. The say not to marry the one you wanna live with, but the one you cant live without. Either way you'll end up regretting it later.

                              Lastly, remember that the difference between a sin and a shame is that it's a sin to stick it in and it's a shame to pull it out
                              The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                              Comment


                              • No funny stories to tell this morning, just a dumb joke.

                                Don't worry, we're skiing tonight, I am certain I'll have more ammo soon.

                                Happy Friday you guys

                                ==========

                                A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them."

                                A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?"

                                The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W’.”
                                The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

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