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  • Oldy, but a goody:

    One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his dock, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

    “Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.
    “This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens!”, replies the boy.

    The old man chuckles to himself as the boy walks off, amused by his youthful imagination.

    Well lo and behold, the boy walks back by later in the afternoon with what must have been 100 chickens all wrapped up in chicken wire. “Well I’ll be damned,” the old man thinks aloud.

    The next morning, the boy walks by old man Speller’s dock again dragging a big bag from the hardware store.
    “Whatcha got in the bag there, son?”, asks the old man.
    The little boy replies, “This here? Well this here’s duct tape! I’m going to catch me some ducks!”

    Again the old man laughs, sure this time the boy is having a lark. But lo and behold, the boy comes wandering by that evening with what must have been a 100 ducks all wrapped up in duct tape. Old man Speller’s mouth hangs agape in disbelief.

    Well the next morning, the boy wanders by yet again, carrying a giant bundle of sticks.

    “Well what in God’s name are you doin’ with all them sticks?”, asks the old man.

    “Well these here mister? These are pussywillow, I’m going to catch me some…”

    “Hold it right there!”, exclaims the old man as he stands up and puts on his cap, “boy, I’m comin’ with ya!”

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

    Comment


    • And here we are at Friday again, we made it…

      The other day I just felt like poking the bear and I asked Mrs SlalomJunkie, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

      She seemed way too excited to answer this hypothetical and said, "Take half and leave your arse!"

      I pulled a $5 bill out of my pocket and replied "Great, I won $10, here is $5, now get out!"



      Frugally,

      SJ

      PS: Please take a moment today for a prayer to all those lives lost 19 yrs ago today. #NEVERFORGET

      ==============================


      An Arab leaves behind a suitcase at an airport terminal in Seattle…
      Standing nearby is an American who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

      He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down the Arab to return it.

      "Thank you!" exclaims the Arab, "you have saved my life, alhamdulillah! I can never repay you, but I will give you a very important piece of advice:"

      The Arab leans in close and whispers into the American’s ear, "Whatever you do, do not go to Portland, Oregon. No matter what."

      "Why?" asks the American, "because there will be an attack or something?"

      "No," replies the Arab, "because that place is a f-cking sh-thole."
      The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

      Comment


      • ahhhhh another fine Friday.. Thanks for the laughs Slalomjunkie!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by curver900 View Post
          ahhhhh another fine Friday.. Thanks for the laughs Slalomjunkie!
          Anytime!



          Hey Gang, happy Friday!

          We’re officially 1 month away from a flight to Miami for our overnight layover and then off to scuba in Honduras… Not looking forward to getting swabbed, but it’s a necessary evil… Maybe with my good luck charm (mrs slalomjunkie) in tow, we’ll get a glimpse of an elusive whale shark

          So Mrs Slalom Junkie must have been in the mood to pick a fight last night and says “Where are all the kind, considerate, handsome and loving men who aren’t afraid to show their feelings?”

          I said “Uhhh, I think they all already have boyfriends, honey…”

          SJ

          ==================


          A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"

          Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?"

          The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!"

          Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?"

          His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!"

          A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?"

          The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

          Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?"

          The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"
          The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

          Comment


          • Happy Friday, it’s that time again… 21 days to Honduras at least…

            The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel…”

            I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

            HopingMrsSlalomJunkieneverseesthisthreadingly,

            SJ


            ===========================


            A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

            Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

            The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

            "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

            Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.

            The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it.

            The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

            "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
            The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

            Comment


            • Happy Friday, it’s that time again… 21 days to Honduras at least…

              The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel…”

              I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

              HopingMrsSlalomJunkieneverseesthisthreadingly,

              THAT made me laugh...

              Comment


              • Originally posted by curver900 View Post
                THAT made me laugh...
                Thank you, thank you very much...

                I haven't said a word to Mrs SlalomJunkie in months, she does not like to be interrupted!
                The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                Comment


                • No opening monologue today, nothing special going on around here other than prepping for a week off the grid starting next friday...

                  here's your friday AFTERNOON humor this time

                  ===========

                  One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!' When the boys got to the noise they saw Joe Biden a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Joe Biden asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat.' The second boy said 'I want a truck.' And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with our names on them. Joe said, 'why is that son?' The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!'
                  The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                  Comment


                  • Stay tuned kids, I have a bunch to share... Let the democrat bashing begin.

                    ------------------

                    One day Joe Biden was visiting the queen of England. He asked her how she ran such an efficient government.

                    She said, "I only surround myself with intelligent people, watch this" and she called in England's prime minister, David Cameron. She asked him, "If your parents had a child that is not your brother or sister, then who is it?" David replied, "Well, it would have to be me." The queen was very pleased and Biden was very impressed.

                    Out of curiosity when he returned home, he asked Kamala the same question, "If your parents have a child that isn't your brother or sister, then who is it?"

                    Kamala thought long and hard. "Let me get back to you on that Joe." So Kamala spends the entire day thinking and researching the question. She runs into former president Obama and asked him the same question.

                    "Barak, if your parents had a child that wasn't your brother or sister, then who would it be?"

                    Obama replied, "Well, it would be me".

                    So Kamala runs back to the white house to tell Biden. He said, "I figured it out, it would be Barak Obama!"

                    Biden replied, "No you dumbf--k, it would be David Cameron"
                    The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                    Comment


                    • More....

                      Hassan Rouhani calls President Trump and tells him, "Donald, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
                      "What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks.

                      Rouhani replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."

                      Trump says, "You know, Hassan, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely and on each house flew an enormous banner."

                      "What could you see on the banners?" Rouhani asks.

                      Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
                      The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                      Comment


                      • And more....

                        I might save the best one for last, to be posted 10/31 when I am back on land...


                        ========================


                        Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

                        The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

                        "Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

                        "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

                        "Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

                        "Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

                        "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat'em!"

                        "Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

                        "Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.”
                        The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                        Comment


                        • Joe and Kamala went to a diner to get a bite to eat. A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your order?"

                          Biden says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

                          She turns a little red and say, "Sir, with you running for president I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the MENU!"

                          As she walks away Kamala leans over and says, "Joe, its pronounced quiche."
                          The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                          Comment


                          • Cecil goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey."

                            The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

                            Cecil leaves, but he's curious, so he goes back into the bar.

                            The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

                            Cecil says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"Cecil says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

                            Cecil leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

                            He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says, "Uh, about 50."

                            The robot leans in real close and says, "So, do you Democrats really think we should have open borders?
                            The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                            Comment


                            • After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

                              Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

                              P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
                              S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
                              P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
                              S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
                              P: Something loose in cockpit
                              S: Something tightened in cockpit
                              P: Dead bugs on windshield.
                              S: Live bugs on back-order.
                              P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
                              S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
                              P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                              S: Evidence removed.
                              P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
                              S: DME volume set to more believable level.
                              P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
                              S: That's what friction locks are for.
                              P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
                              S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
                              P: Suspected crack in windshield.
                              S: Suspect you're right.
                              P: Number 3 engine missing.
                              S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
                              P: Aircraft handles funny.
                              S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
                              P: Target radar hums.
                              S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
                              P: Mouse in cockpit.
                              S: Cat installed.
                              P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
                              S: Took hammer away from midget

                              Comment


                              • ^^^ As a recreational pilot, I chuckled at this. ^^^

                                But especially this one:

                                P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
                                S: Evidence removed.

                                ....maybe because I've seen it happen too many times.

                                Comment

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