Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Morning Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • A U.S. Navy Destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a rowboat heading toward the coast of California.

    The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

    One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, " We're invading California to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. during the 1800's."

    The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

    The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 2.3 million are already there..."
    The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

    Comment


    • A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

      The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

      The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

      Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

      No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

      Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

      Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

      Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of Nancy Pelosi "
      The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

      Comment


      • In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

        Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived. The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."
        The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

        Comment


        • Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua, New York. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

          "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

          "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

          This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

          One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

          Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

          Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...“See what you get for five bucks!?"
          The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

          Comment


          • and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!

            Comment


            • Originally posted by curver900 View Post
              and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!
              I'll keep hitting this thread with my anti-demorasocialst bashings... Today is technically my Friday.... C'mon Roatan!


              Barak and Michelle are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Barak stands up and throws Michelle out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."
              The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

              Comment


              • Originally posted by curver900 View Post
                and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!
                Another good one:

                =============



                The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

                Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "

                Very good! -- Who said,"Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth." Again no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

                "Excellent," said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

                The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

                She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs." "Who said that? -- I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

                At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?" Again Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

                Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!" Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

                Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".

                The teacher fainted.


                As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"

                Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008, when Obama was elected".
                The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                Comment


                • Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Kamala Harris. She's up there threatening to set herself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

                  "Donations! How much you got so far?"

                  "About ten gallons."
                  The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                  Comment


                  • HH TT.


                    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
                    Last edited by moosehead; 11-01-2020, 09:58 AM.

                    Comment


                    • Morning gang,

                      So much to talk about since I got held hostage in Honduras by Hurricane Eta...

                      I heard the other day that only 6 people are allowed for Thanksgiving but 30 are allowed for a funeral. So, I will be holding a funeral for my pet turkey on Nov 26…..

                      I also just read in the news that Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot is limiting all social gatherings unless you're involved in a drive by...

                      I’m just happy to be back in the USA (for now) even if the communist party won the election.

                      Praying Biden lasts 4 years and Kamala is NEVER president,

                      SJ

                      I leave you with 2 jokes today, enjoy

                      ====================

                      Apple is introducing a new line of digital implants for adults.

                      Shipping in the spring of 2021, the Apple iBoob is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. Sold in pairs, the new
                      Apple iBoobs will cost from $999 to $1399 depending on cup and speaker size.

                      This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

                      ===============

                      Walking home after a blowout Halloween party, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

                      The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

                      The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

                      "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"
                      The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                      Comment


                      • Hyman Edelstein, a ventriloquist, is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
                        "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
                        The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh.t on your lap!"

                        Comment


                        • [ATTACH]204570[/ATTACH]

                          Comment


                          • Morning guys, felt the need to revive this one finally.

                            Last night Mrs SlalomJunkie and I were watching a show on NetFlix after dinner.

                            I said “I love you...”

                            “Is that you talking, or the beer?”

                            I said “It’s me talking to my beer.”

                            Happy Friday,

                            SJ

                            -----------


                            Vladimir Putin, Joe Biden and Kim Jong are on a plane.

                            Biden finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says: "I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make one person happy"

                            Putin interrupts him, stating that if they split the $100 bill into two $50 bills they can make 2 people happy.

                            Kim Jong insists that they should throw four $25 bills and make four people happy.

                            The pilot of the plane, overhearing their conversation, turns to his co-pilot and says "Should I crash this plane in the sea and make billions of people happy?"










                            The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                            Comment


                            • glad to have you back .... miss your jokes!

                              Comment


                              • Originally posted by 2RLAKE View Post
                                glad to have you back .... miss your jokes!
                                Thanks man, been a struggle for last year and a half.
                                The sea, once it casts it's spell, holds one in it's net of wonder forever - Jacques Cousteau

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X