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Morning Joke Thread

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Last night Mrs SlalomJunkie was feeling a little frisky, and of course, I was in shock… She says “sweety, say dirty things to me..” Without blinking an eye, I said “LIVING ROOM, KITCHEN, BEDROOM…” Obviously that killed any chance I had at getting lucky again, but hey, the message was delivered.

    47d 10h 55m and 35seconds until my next vacay… Can’t wait – enjoy your Monday humor:

    =========

    A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

    So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' And indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

    The note read:
    'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants'

    After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

    It read:
    'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a PorscheTurbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches.

    Just send the bottle back.'

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by rtw_travel View Post
    Hey slalomjunkie - what are you doing here? Get over to the Morning Joke Thread... I can't start my day without your morning joke!
    ^^HAHAHAHA!!

    A Texan walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman gives him a drink. The Texan looks at the drink and commenting on how small it is, he says that they are 10 times bigger in Texas. In the interest of good relations, the barman gives him another 9 drinks free of charge. Later the Texan comes up and orders a bag of peanuts. When given the small bag, he again comments on the size of it, and the barman again gives him 9 free. The Texan is pleased with the service he got and notes some positive feedback on a card as he leaves.

    A few weeks later, in recognition of his good deeds, the barman is given a special award for his services to local tourism. He is given a monetary prize. With his prizemoney, he books a holiday in Texas. He walks into the hotel bar and orders a drink. To his surprise the barman puts up a huge drink in front of him. He then orders some nuts and is given a huge packet. Looking around at the massive bar and thinking about all he has seen he concludes that his own customer was right and that everything is bigger in Texas. After eventually finishing his drink he staggers up to the bar and asks where the toilets are. The barman points to a door and says that he should go through it and he'll find them near the end of the corridor.

    He heads towards the door and opens it and walks down the corridor. There are two doors at the end, one to the toilets and one to the hotel swimming pool. In his drunken state, he goes through the wrong door and falls into the swimming pool. He starts to scream. Hearing the commotion, a moment later the hotel barman runs through the door and stands at the edge of the pool. The guest looks up at him in horror and screams "Don't flush! Don't flush!"

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin’ Guys,

    The other day I had a little too much to drink. Luckily, the bar is walking distance back to the ranch… Anyways, as I was walking, I was stopped by a policeman.

    "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?"

    "I'm going to a lecture."

    "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?"

    "My wife."


    ===========

    Enjoy your Tuesday humor:

    A young innocent couple from the backwoods get married and are heading to the big city for their honeymoon. When they finally get to the hotel the new groom goes inside to register and get the keys to the room. The groom tells the desk clerk that he just got married and they were there for their honeymoon. The desk clerk thinking he can upgrade them to a better room asks the young man if he would like the Bridal. The young feller thinks for a minute and says no that’s ok I'll just hold her head till she gets it right...

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    You guys know what you call a deer without eyes?

    No I-deer…

    Sorry the joke was late this morning!


    ==============

    A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Dakota prairies without water.

    His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him.

    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

    He opens it and out pops a genie.

    But this is no ordinary genie.

    She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull grey dress.

    There's a calculator in her pocketbook She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie,

    'You know how I work... you have three wishes.'

    'I'm not falling for this,' said the cowboy,

    'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

    'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.

    'OK! I wish I were alongside a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

    'My second wish is that I was rich... beyond my wildest dreams.'

    ***POOF***

    The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

    ***POOF***

    He was turned into a tampon.

    Moral of the story:

    If the U.S. government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin Teamtalkers,

    You know the cost of living has now gotten so bad... How bad you might ask? It's so high these days that I think Mrs. SlalomJunkie is only having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

    Happy Friday, we survived another week.

    I came across this gem yesterday, I had to squeeze this onto the rotation

    ==========

    A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin...

    He sets the duck on top of the biscuit tin on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realizes that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. At the end of the night the barman is locking up and the duck is still dancing. The barman thinks oh well time for bed the duck will stop dancing when he wants and the barman goes to bed.

    In the morning the barman comes down to open up to see the duck still dancing away on the biscuit tin. The barman thinks to himself, he must really like dancing I'll leave him be. People flock far and wide to look at this dancing duck and with that buying drinks. Throughout the day the barman has taken more money then he normally takes in a whole month. The barman is just locking up at the end of the night and the duck is still dancing away. The barman is concerned that his 'investment' might wear himself out as he's been dancing for the past 24 hours.

    Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has never taken as much money as in the last 24 hours, but he says - "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies -- "Oh simple - just take the lid of the biscuit tin and blow out the candle."

    Leave a comment:

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