Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Morning Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed bronze sculpture of a rat.

    The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner the price. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and an extra thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but, I'll take the rat."

    The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

    Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars....following him.

    No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes racing to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

    Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with with one arm, while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can throw it.

    Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

    Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop. "Ah sir, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was just hoping you had a bronze sculpture of Nancy Pelosi "

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    A U.S. Navy Destroyer stopped four Mexicans in a rowboat heading toward the coast of California.

    The Captain gets on the loud-speaker and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

    One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, " We're invading California to reclaim the territory taken by the U.S. during the 1800's."

    The entire crew on the destroyer doubles over in laughter. When the Captain finally catches his breath, he gets back on the loud-speaker and asks, "Just the four of you?"

    The same Mexican stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The other 2.3 million are already there..."

    Leave a comment:


  • 86Skier
    replied
    ^^^ As a recreational pilot, I chuckled at this. ^^^

    But especially this one:

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    ....maybe because I've seen it happen too many times.

    Leave a comment:


  • LaramiePS190
    replied
    After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet" which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots ("P") and solutions recorded ("S") by maintenance engineers:

    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
    P: Something loose in cockpit
    S: Something tightened in cockpit
    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.
    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.
    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.
    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what friction locks are for.
    P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.
    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.
    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Cecil goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender! The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey."

    The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says," 168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

    Cecil leaves, but he's curious, so he goes back into the bar.

    The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

    Cecil says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"Cecil says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

    Cecil leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

    He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" Cecil says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?" Cecil says, "Uh, about 50."

    The robot leans in real close and says, "So, do you Democrats really think we should have open borders?

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Joe and Kamala went to a diner to get a bite to eat. A good looking waitress comes up and asks, "Can I take your order?"

    Biden says, "Yes, I'd like a quickie!"

    She turns a little red and say, "Sir, with you running for president I don't think you should even be suggesting something like that. I'll come back when you're ready to order from the MENU!"

    As she walks away Kamala leans over and says, "Joe, its pronounced quiche."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    And more....

    I might save the best one for last, to be posted 10/31 when I am back on land...


    ========================


    Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.

    The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

    "Well," said the big gator, "what have you been eating?"

    "Politicians, same as you," replied the small gator.

    "Hmm.....Well, where do you catch them?" "Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

    "Same here. Hmm.... How do you catch them?"

    "Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat'em!"

    "Same here." says the big gator. "Do you eat Democrats or Republicans?" "I eat the Democrats" says the little guy.

    "Ah!" says the big gator. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Democrat, there's nothing left but an a**hole and a briefcase.”

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    More....

    Hassan Rouhani calls President Trump and tells him, "Donald, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."
    "What did it say on the banners?" Trump asks.

    Rouhani replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah."

    Trump says, "You know, Hassan, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely and on each house flew an enormous banner."

    "What could you see on the banners?" Rouhani asks.

    Trump replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Stay tuned kids, I have a bunch to share... Let the democrat bashing begin.

    ------------------

    One day Joe Biden was visiting the queen of England. He asked her how she ran such an efficient government.

    She said, "I only surround myself with intelligent people, watch this" and she called in England's prime minister, David Cameron. She asked him, "If your parents had a child that is not your brother or sister, then who is it?" David replied, "Well, it would have to be me." The queen was very pleased and Biden was very impressed.

    Out of curiosity when he returned home, he asked Kamala the same question, "If your parents have a child that isn't your brother or sister, then who is it?"

    Kamala thought long and hard. "Let me get back to you on that Joe." So Kamala spends the entire day thinking and researching the question. She runs into former president Obama and asked him the same question.

    "Barak, if your parents had a child that wasn't your brother or sister, then who would it be?"

    Obama replied, "Well, it would be me".

    So Kamala runs back to the white house to tell Biden. He said, "I figured it out, it would be Barak Obama!"

    Biden replied, "No you dumbf--k, it would be David Cameron"

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    No opening monologue today, nothing special going on around here other than prepping for a week off the grid starting next friday...

    here's your friday AFTERNOON humor this time

    ===========

    One day there were these three boys walking down the street, all of a sudden they heard a yell: 'HELP! HELP!' When the boys got to the noise they saw Joe Biden a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning. Joe Biden asks the first boy how he could ever repay him. The boy said, 'I want a boat.' The second boy said 'I want a truck.' And the third boy said, 'I want three tombstones with our names on them. Joe said, 'why is that son?' The little boy said, 'because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!'

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    THAT made me laugh...
    Thank you, thank you very much...

    I haven't said a word to Mrs SlalomJunkie in months, she does not like to be interrupted!

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    Happy Friday, it’s that time again… 21 days to Honduras at least…

    The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel…”

    I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

    HopingMrsSlalomJunkieneverseesthisthreadingly,

    THAT made me laugh...

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Happy Friday, it’s that time again… 21 days to Honduras at least…

    The other day I was on the dock talking to two of my neighbors… One of them had a cooler full of beers and snacks… Pulling out a beer pops the top and opening a bag of chips, he says “My wife’s an angel…”

    I said, “you’re lucky – mine is still alive…”

    HopingMrsSlalomJunkieneverseesthisthreadingly,

    SJ


    ===========================


    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar.

    Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

    "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

    Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar.

    The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ***, pulls it out and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

    "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    ahhhhh another fine Friday.. Thanks for the laughs Slalomjunkie!
    Anytime!



    Hey Gang, happy Friday!

    We’re officially 1 month away from a flight to Miami for our overnight layover and then off to scuba in Honduras… Not looking forward to getting swabbed, but it’s a necessary evil… Maybe with my good luck charm (mrs slalomjunkie) in tow, we’ll get a glimpse of an elusive whale shark

    So Mrs Slalom Junkie must have been in the mood to pick a fight last night and says “Where are all the kind, considerate, handsome and loving men who aren’t afraid to show their feelings?”

    I said “Uhhh, I think they all already have boyfriends, honey…”

    SJ

    ==================


    A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, "What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!"

    Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, "Honey, can you fix the faucet?"

    The husband replied, "What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!"

    Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, "Honey, can you change the light bulb?"

    His reply was, "What am I? An electrician?!"

    A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed. Very surprised, he says, "Honey, what happened here?"

    The wife replies, "You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything." The husband says, "Honey, how did you pay him?!" "Oh, you know," the wife says, "he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have sex with him."

    Somewhat relieved the husband asks, "Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?"

    The wife replies, "Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!"

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    ahhhhh another fine Friday.. Thanks for the laughs Slalomjunkie!

    Leave a comment:

Working...
X