Morning Joke Thread

[dmac]

From My Father in Law (of all people)

Once there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. She loved them but unfortunately, they had always had a very
embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.

Then one day she met a man and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."
She made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months ater her car broke down on the way home from work.
Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way, she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home.
So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.

All the way home she putt-putted, and upon arriving home she
felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table.

She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the telephone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the
pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband
was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill.

She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the telephone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish
her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

[Mag_Red]

Three great jokes to start the morning!

[dmac]

Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.

[Professor]

Good one DMAC!

[MarkP]

Sorry that one was so long, but at least it's worth it.

Good one!! I didnt see that commin

[sizzler]

morning guys.....might be old but still relevant

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital were testing an
> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
> mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
> willing to try it out.
>
> Both said they were very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain
> transfer to 10 per cent for starters, explaining that even 10 per cent
> was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
> But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
> doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
> the machine to 20 per cent pain transfer. The husband was still
> feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and
> was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try
> for 50 per cent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the
> pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband
> encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
> delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had
> experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got
> home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

[BriEOD]

Funny!

[Ron Grover]

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,'' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,'' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?''

''Darned if I know,'' said the little boy, ''but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

[Ron Grover]

"Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

""Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

[Ron Grover]

It's the morning after the honeymoon, and the wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."

The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"

[Ron Grover]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[Ron Grover]

A preist wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!

The next day the local paper carried this headline: PRIESTS A$$ SHOWS. The preist was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read: PREIST"S A$$ OUT IN FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREIST'S A$$.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline the next day read: NUN HAS BEST A$$ IN TOWN. The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.

The next day the headline read: NUN SELLS A$$ FOR $10.00. This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains, and let it go. Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER A$$ IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.

[Ron Grover]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. Much to her embarrassment, he shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[Ron Grover]

Bill Johnson called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I cannot come work today, I am really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my leg hurts, I cannot come work."


The boss says: "Bill I really need you today. When I feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Bill calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon. By the way you got nice house.

[Ron Grover]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m.

As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.

"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m."

The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying SOB! You've been playing golf!!"