Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Morning Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    And here we are at Friday again, we made it…

    The other day I just felt like poking the bear and I asked Mrs SlalomJunkie, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"

    She seemed way too excited to answer this hypothetical and said, "Take half and leave your arse!"

    I pulled a $5 bill out of my pocket and replied "Great, I won $10, here is $5, now get out!"



    Frugally,

    SJ

    PS: Please take a moment today for a prayer to all those lives lost 19 yrs ago today. #NEVERFORGET

    ==============================


    An Arab leaves behind a suitcase at an airport terminal in Seattle…
    Standing nearby is an American who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

    He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down the Arab to return it.

    "Thank you!" exclaims the Arab, "you have saved my life, alhamdulillah! I can never repay you, but I will give you a very important piece of advice:"

    The Arab leans in close and whispers into the American’s ear, "Whatever you do, do not go to Portland, Oregon. No matter what."

    "Why?" asks the American, "because there will be an attack or something?"

    "No," replies the Arab, "because that place is a f-cking sh-thole."

    Leave a comment:


  • 86Skier
    replied
    Oldy, but a goody:

    One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his dock, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

    “Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.
    “This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens!”, replies the boy.

    The old man chuckles to himself as the boy walks off, amused by his youthful imagination.

    Well lo and behold, the boy walks back by later in the afternoon with what must have been 100 chickens all wrapped up in chicken wire. “Well I’ll be damned,” the old man thinks aloud.

    The next morning, the boy walks by old man Speller’s dock again dragging a big bag from the hardware store.
    “Whatcha got in the bag there, son?”, asks the old man.
    The little boy replies, “This here? Well this here’s duct tape! I’m going to catch me some ducks!”

    Again the old man laughs, sure this time the boy is having a lark. But lo and behold, the boy comes wandering by that evening with what must have been a 100 ducks all wrapped up in duct tape. Old man Speller’s mouth hangs agape in disbelief.

    Well the next morning, the boy wanders by yet again, carrying a giant bundle of sticks.

    “Well what in God’s name are you doin’ with all them sticks?”, asks the old man.

    “Well these here mister? These are pussywillow, I’m going to catch me some…”

    “Hold it right there!”, exclaims the old man as he stands up and puts on his cap, “boy, I’m comin’ with ya!”

    Sent from my SM-G960U using Tapatalk

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin Gang, another Friday!

    So the other day I said to Mrs SlalomJunkie - you know seems like these days we only have Social Security sex."

    She gives me a strange look - "Social Security sex?"

    I said "Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

    Savingsingly,

    SJ

    ======================

    Three old men were chatting at the retirement home…

    The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble."

    The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good **** like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out."

    The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big ****."

    The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?"

    The third old man says "I don't wake up until 8".

    Leave a comment:


  • moosehead
    replied
    Since we’re going to the back of the rack.

    A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. The bartender says, sir, do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?

    The pirate says, Aye, it’s driving me nuts!


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro

    Leave a comment:


  • 2RLAKE
    replied
    Originally posted by slalomjunkie View Post
    Happy Friday Gang, we made it again!

    So a few years back, we attended Mrs SlalomJunkies HS reunion. There’s a guy on the dance floor really bustin the moves - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. It was hilarious…

    I think Mrs SlalomJunkie was trying to make me jealous and says “That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down."

    I said “Oh really, well it l looks like he’s still celebrating…"

    Party on,

    SJ

    =======================

    This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay.

    One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his *****.

    "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

    "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon have a nice day.'"

    classic .. haven't heard that one in a while

    Leave a comment:


  • JohnnyB
    replied
    Originally posted by slalomjunkie View Post
    Happy Friday Gang, we made it again!



    So a few years back, we attended Mrs SlalomJunkies HS reunion. There’s a guy on the dance floor really bustin the moves - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. It was hilarious…



    I think Mrs SlalomJunkie was trying to make me jealous and says “That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down."



    I said “Oh really, well it l looks like he’s still celebrating…"



    Party on,



    SJ



    =======================



    This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay.



    One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his *****.



    "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"



    "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon have a nice day.'"
    2nd is one of my all time Favorites jokes!

    Sent from my SM-G960U1 using Tapatalk

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Happy Friday Gang, we made it again!

    So a few years back, we attended Mrs SlalomJunkies HS reunion. There’s a guy on the dance floor really bustin the moves - break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. It was hilarious…

    I think Mrs SlalomJunkie was trying to make me jealous and says “That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down."

    I said “Oh really, well it l looks like he’s still celebrating…"

    Party on,

    SJ

    =======================

    This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay.

    One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his *****.

    "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?"

    "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon have a nice day.'"

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Hey gang, Happy Friday – better late than never…

    So last night after dinner Mrs SlalomJunkie asks “you wanna change positions tonight?”

    I said “Hell yeah!”

    She said “perfect, you do the dishes and I’ll sit on the couch watching TV and farting…”

    Flatulently,

    SJ

    ============================

    Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

    The first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered..."

    The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

    The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

    The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth surgeon, from Washington. DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong – Democrats are the easiest to operate on.
    There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine. Plus, the head and the arse are interchangeable.
    Last edited by slalomjunkie; 08-21-2020, 01:07 PM.

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin Gang,

    If there’s one thing I learned over the years, its this…

    When your wife starts a conversation with “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you just smile and agree. Don’t correct her, it’s a trap.

    Guy Smilingly,

    SJ


    ====================

    Bill Clinton steps off a plane with two Arkansas razorbacks, one under each arm.

    He is greeted by a Marine who is saluting him.

    Bill tells the Marine "Son I would salute you but as you can see I got my hands full with these succulent hogs. I got one here for Hillary and one here for Chelsea."

    The Marine replies "A mighty fine trade, sir…"

    Leave a comment:


  • FoggyNogginz
    replied
    Guilty! Saw this today and had to share!

    Leave a comment:


  • pmkkdx
    replied

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Morning gang, Happy Friday!

    So yesterday Mrs Slalom Junkie says to me, “you know that our new neighbor kisses his wife every day before going to work? Why can’t you do that?”

    I said “How in the hell could I do that, I don’t even know her…”

    Covering my assingly,

    SJ

    ==================

    A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

    After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna f-ck?"

    But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.

    A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he wants to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here. I heard what you said to the nun, and I've got a little tip for you. She goes to pray at her father's grave on the St. Martin graveyard every Sunday at 10AM".

    The hippie thanks him for the tip and gets off the bus.

    On the next Sunday at 10AM, the hippie goes to the St. Martin graveyard in a Jesus costume and after a few minutes he finds the nun. "Hello nun" he says, "God told me I shall come to Earth to f-ck you!"

    The nun says "if it was God's wish, I will obey" so they go behind a bush and start to f-ck.

    After they're done the hippie throws of his costume and yells "gotcha, I'm the hippie!", then the nun throws off her costume and yells "gotcha, I'm the bus driver!"

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin Gang,

    Last night during dinner Mrs Slalom Junkie and I were daydreaming about what we would do if we won the lottery. She said "I’d hire a cook so that I could just say, ‘Hey, make me a sandwich!’” I said Not me, I already have one of those.”

    Cutting the crusts offingly,

    SJ


    A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "that tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

    The man grabs the dentist's arm, "no way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"

    So the dentist says, "okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

    The man replies, "absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."

    So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "here," he says. "Take this pill."

    The man asks "What is it?"

    The doc replies, "Viagra."

    The man looks surprised, "will that kill the pain?" he asks.

    "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    slackin' slalomjunkie...
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    I'm not nearly as talented as slalomjunky....so here goes.
    ^^^




    Mornin gang,


    Happy Friday!

    Last night Mrs SlalomJunkie told me she wanted me to buy her something that went 0-200 in 5 seconds. I just ordered a new bathroom scale, I’ll let you guys know how that goes.

    SJ

    ============

    The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

    A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

    The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

    The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You God-damned bastard."

    The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

    The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    slackin' slalomjunkie... well here's one... I just don't have a good preamble like the master!
    Attached Files

    Leave a comment:

Working...
X