Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Morning Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #46
    A redneck couple gets married and are on their honeymoon. The woman changes into a sexy outfit and lies on the bed. She looks sheepishly up at her new hubby and whispers, "Please be gentle with me. I'm a virgin."

    The man gets up screaming, grabs his trousers and runs home to tell his father.

    His father comforts him by saying, "Now, now. You did right, son. If she wasn't good enough for her own family, then she isn't good enough for ours."
    MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

    Comment


    • #47
      This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

      The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

      The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

      The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

      "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

      The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

      The next morning she begin thinking if one is good 10 would be great so she crushed ten for his coffee.

      A week later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

      "How did it go?" the doctor asked.

      "Terrible, doctor, terrible."

      "Did it not work?"

      "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad passionate love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

      "Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

      "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."
      MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

      Comment


      • #48
        An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

        One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

        All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

        At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

        So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

        The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

        "And what about the men?" the minister asked.

        "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
        MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

        Comment


        • #49
          A couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way, they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they could marry in heaven.

          St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.

          Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.

          He says, "I'm still working on it."

          Two years pass by and no marriage.

          St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.

          Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.

          The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not working out, and that they want to get a divorce.

          "Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.

          St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How in the world do you think I am gonna find you a lawyer up here?"
          MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

          Comment


          • #50
            An elderly man owned a large farm. He had a pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees.

            One evening he decided to go down to the pond. He grabbed a bucket to bring back some fruit.

            As he neared the pond, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping. He made the women aware of his presence. One of the women shouted, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

            The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he added, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
            MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

            Comment


            • #51
              A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.

              To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

              Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

              The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

              St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
              MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

              Comment


              • #52
                Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed. One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident. I reattached them, and 8 months later he perfomed a private concert for the Queen of England."

                One of the others said, "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident. I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in field events at the olympics."

                The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago, a cowboy, rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's a$$ and a cowboy hat. Now, he's president of the United States.
                MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

                Comment


                • #53
                  A man in his 40s bought a new BMW and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

                  "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him, "What the heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

                  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, it is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

                  The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were chasing me and trying to give her back."

                  "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
                  MasterCraft...not just a boat...a lifestyle

                  Comment


                  • #54
                    Good ONE!!!!!


                    The wife calls me abrasive
                    The kids call me Daddy Sweetwater
                    But the ladies, they just call me El Guapo

                    Comment


                    • #55
                      Good ONE? I'm searching the TV Guide to see when Ron's going to be on Letterman.
                      "Measure your wealth not by the things you have, but by the things for which you would not take money."

                      1994 MasterCraft ProStar 205, 275hp EFI -- Original Owner

                      Comment


                      • #56
                        Holly cow! If only i could memorize a couples of them!
                        Ron,very funny jokes,keep them coming! LOL
                        Keep skiing!!!

                        Comment


                        • #57
                          DONT KNOW IF I POSTED THIS ALREADY.....


                          A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after
                          > > >some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant.
                          > > >
                          > > >They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special
                          > 'Chicken
                          > > >Surprise'.
                          > > >
                          > > >The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
                          > > >
                          > > >Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the
                          > > >pot
                          > rises
                          > > >a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
                          > > >around before the lid slams back down.
                          > > >
                          > > >"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.
                          > > >
                          > > >He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and
                          again
                          > > >the lid rises, and again he sees two beady little eyes looking
                          > > >around before it firmly slams back down.
                          > > >
                          > > >Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is
                          > > >happening
                          and
                          > > >demands an explanation.
                          > > >
                          > > >"Well sir," says the waiter, "What did you order?"
                          > > >
                          > > >"We both chose the same," he replies, "the Chicken Surprise."
                          > > >
                          > > >"Oh, I do apologise, this is my fault," says the waiter.........
                          > > >*
                          > > >*
                          > > >*
                          > > >*
                          > > >*
                          > > >*
                          > > >"I've brought you the Peking duck."
                          > > >
                          > > >
                          > >
                          KEEP YA TOES UP!!!!!

                          2004 X9 MCX ALL BLACK


                          http://www.prwb.net/tallington/index.php?id=12


                          nice older x-boat at berth in the advertisment above

                          Comment


                          • #58
                            Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

                            Everyone else in he room stops to listen.

                            MAN: "Hello"

                            WOMAN: "Honey, it's me! Are you at the club?"

                            MAN: "Yes"

                            WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

                            MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

                            WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

                            MAN: "How much?"

                            WOMAN: "$85,000"

                            MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

                            WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

                            MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

                            WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

                            MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up.

                            The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

                            Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?
                            2002 MariStar 210 VRS 330hp, Tower, Perfect Pass Stargazer, Bimini, Triple KGB Ballast, 400w Clarion XMD3, Bennett X-14 Wake Plate, 1000+ hours and still running great!

                            Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pristine, well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming "-- WOW--What a Ride!"

                            Comment


                            • #59
                              nice one .......

                              heres another.....

                              The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

                              For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

                              "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

                              The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

                              The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

                              The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

                              Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

                              "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

                              MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
                              Pass on this advice !!

                              KEEP YA TOES UP!!!!!

                              2004 X9 MCX ALL BLACK


                              http://www.prwb.net/tallington/index.php?id=12


                              nice older x-boat at berth in the advertisment above

                              Comment


                              • #60
                                MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
                                Pass on this advice !!

                                [/QUOTE]

                                Your preaching to the choir here...

                                Comment

                                Working...
                                X