Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Morning Joke Thread

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • waterskier360
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    I'm not nearly as talented as slalomjunky....so here goes...


    Day 20 at home and the dog's looking at me like "See?? This is why I chew
    the furniture!"

    I've eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding
    me?

    In case you've lost track, today is March 97th...

    This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for
    food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really
    excited about car rides.

    My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll
    slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
    lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!

    WOOF


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

    Leave a comment:


  • EricB
    replied
    Originally posted by John Johnson View Post
    True story: My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I dd.

    Daughter: "Quarantine."

    Me: . . .

    Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
    I like it!

    Leave a comment:


  • John Johnson
    replied
    True story: My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I dd.

    Daughter: "Quarantine."

    Me: . . .

    Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    I'm not nearly as talented as slalomjunky....so here goes...


    Day 20 at home and the dog's looking at me like "See?? This is why I chew
    the furniture!"

    I've eaten 14 meals and taken 6 naps, and it's STILL today. Are you kidding
    me?

    In case you've lost track, today is March 97th...

    This virus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for
    food. We're told "NO!" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really
    excited about car rides.

    My wife said if I don't get off the computer and help with the dishes, she'll
    slam my head on the keyboard. I think she's jokinoifghcxiegcrwlwefggxm
    lkergx eyt3ruhcmergceg ewgucc ce;oeijf !!!

    Leave a comment:


  • bret
    replied
    Monica Lewinsky takes a blue dress to the cleaners to get a stain out. The lady behind the counter is a bit hard of hearing so Monica says loudly, " I need to get this stain out of this dress." The lady behind the counter didn't quite hear her and said " Come again honey." Monica looks at her hard and says "NO, it's mustard."

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    an oldie but a goodie!!!!

    Leave a comment:


  • toddvdh
    replied
    A joke to lighten the mood.

    A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.


    "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

    Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and

    pulls back the covers.

    She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

    She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

    The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,

    very, closely:

    "Are - my - test - results - back?"

    Leave a comment:


  • curver900
    replied
    You are the BEST... thank you !!!!

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    I was hoping for a good slalomjunkie joke ... it has been a while ....
    And, back by popular demand…


    With Mrs Slalom Junkie, it’s never a dull moment and the hits keep rollin… Last night we saw a big Asian guy on TV and she told me he looked like a tsunami wrestler… I busted out laughing as bad as the other night when she said there was a constellation named areola…

    “What kind of wrestler?”

    “A tsunami wrestler, the big fat guys…”

    “I guess you could say they wrestle by tossing waves of fat at each other…”

    Now I’m crying again and follow up with “You’re making my morning joke thread again tomorrow…”

    “Oh, no, what did I say this time?”

    “I think you meant ‘sumo wrestler’, not ‘tsunami wrestler’…”

    Blubberingly,

    SJ




    Two guys rode the bus every day to work… One particular Friday on the way, they witnessed two dogs really going at it on a lawn…

    The 1st guy says man, could I love to give it to my wife like that…”

    The 2nd guy says “Easy, just give her 3 martinis!”

    On Monday, the old friends saw each other on the bus, the 2nd man asks the 1st man “Well, how’d it go, were you able to succeed with the 3 martinis?”

    1st man says “Oh hell no, it took 3 martinis just to get her out on the lawn….”

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Update to the story...

    I sent her this viat text this morning:

    “Tonight more clear skies and Taurus over Libra as Areola and Bootes make an appearance. As Crux comes around, simultaneous Fornax occur, followed by a few Ursa Minors…”

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Morning Gang,

    Been a while since my last submission, this is too good to not share…

    So last night we had clear skies, and moonlight – a waning gibbons to be exact… As Mrs Slalom Junkie and I laid in bed, I mentioned how bright the sky was. The rest of the conversation was so genius, I could not make it up…

    “Moonlight sure is bright out there…”

    “Is that a full moon?”

    “No, a waning gibbons. Full moons only happen every 30 days…”

    Thinking I was full of crap, out comes her phone “OK Google, how often does a full moon occur?”

    Google: “A full moon takes place every 29.5 days…”

    “OK, I was off by ½ a day…”

    “How did you know that?”

    “Um, because I hunt and study the lunar patterns…? But I’m terrible about constellations, can’t even find the big dipper…”

    “But that’s one of the easy ones, along with the little dipper and areola…”

    BUSTING OUT IN LAUGHTER “OH MY GOD, did you really say that? Or did you mean Orion?”

    She is laughing… “orion, areola, WHATEVER – you know what I meant…”

    Room gets quiet… Then I bust out laughing again… then quiet, then I laugh again. I’m crying over a constellation called areola…

    Then, she busts out laughing because of me and when she does a huge fart comes out with it…

    At that point I could no longer breathe, tears running down my cheeks, and I said my friends on TT are going to love this story, Mrs SlalomJunkie.

    Shartingly Submitted,

    SJ

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Hey Gang,

    Last night I said to Mrs SlalomJunkie "Your butt is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill…"

    At bedtime, I gave her the familiar nudge and she completely brushed me off.

    I said "What's wrong?"

    "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-*ss grill for one little weenie?"

    Sized up,

    SJ

    --------------------------------


    After picking her son up from school one day, the mother asks him what he did at school.

    The kid replies, "I had sex with my teacher."

    She gets so mad that when they get home, she orders him to go straight to his room. When the father returns home that evening, the mother angrily tells him the news of what their son had done. As the father hears the news, a huge grin spreads across his face.

    He walks to his son's room and asks him what happened at school, the son tells him, "I had sex with my teacher."

    The father tells the boy that he is so proud of him, and he is going to reward him with the bike he has been asking for. On the way to the store, the dad asks his son if he would like to ride his new bike home.

    His son responds, "No thanks Dad, my butt still hurts."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin gang, and happy Friday…

    Why is it that a holiday week always seems lo seem longer than a normal 5 day week?

    Anyways, we got out to ski last night last second after I spent an hour and a half on the yard… Seems that yardwork and scuba are the only times I experience silence outside the sounds of the mower or the bubbles.

    Mrs. Slalom Junkie comes out after I’d skied with the neighbor and before she could say anything I asked “Do you know why God made Adam 1st and Eve 2nd?”

    “Uh, no, why?”

    “Because God did not want anyone telling how to make Adam…”

    Pre-emptive-strikingly,

    SJ

    =================


    An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony, Why you so fat?"

    Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it."

    Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites…"

    Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you so fat?"

    Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good."

    Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites…"

    Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a?"

    Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of-a p-ssy."

    Poppa says, "P-ssy? That's-a taste like shít!"

    Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites…"

    Leave a comment:


  • MattsCraft
    replied
    Originally posted by JTNG View Post
    LOL that was hillarious


    Two guys come across a huge pit in a field- One says to the other, I wonder how deep it is? So they decide to through a stone down the pit, & wait for a sound to report back... Nothing

    They get a bigger boulder, toss it down, still nothing... We need something bigger, as they look around, they find a railroad tie, toss it in

    Shortly after they toss it - A sheep comes running past & jumps right in the pit... They are in total amazement at what they just witnessed...

    About that time a farmer comes by, & ask if they have seen a sheep... Yeah dude, he just came running by & jumped right into that huge pit...

    Farmer states - Wow, That is amazing considering I had him tied up to a railroad tie!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

    Leave a comment:


  • JTNG
    replied
    LOL that was hillarious

    Leave a comment:

Working...
X