Morning Joke Thread

[bcampbe7]

Parable of the Ant
Then and Now....


TRADITIONAL VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi, John Kerry & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer! The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow. The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.


MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008.

[TMCNo1]

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,'What
are all those clocks?'
St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.'
'Oh,'said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that
she never told a lie.'
'Incredible,'said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'
St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life.'
'Where's Hillary Clinton's clock?' asked the man.
'Hillary's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.'

[rrbooker]

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one
remarked
how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed
and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his
buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a
priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the
golf course.
The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife
such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it."
Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning
the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car,
reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them
like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I
woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry
Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf." and she said
"Take a sweater."

[rholmes]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man boarded anairplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized shewas heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up aconversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer,"she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?"he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto,"the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[mcdoon]

Still more with a Catholic theme

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have a female parrot, but she only knows how to say one thing." "What does she say?" the priest inquired. She says, "I`m a naughty girl. I`m a naughty girl."

The priest thought for a moment and said, "You know, I may have a solution to your problem. I have three male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your parrot over to my house, and we'll put her in the cage with my male parrots." "My parrots can teach your parrot to pray and worship, and your parrot is sure to stop saying, "I`m a naughty girl; I`m a naughty girl."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrot to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrot in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrot said..."I`m a naughty girl; I`m a naughty girl."

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrots and exclaimed, "Drop the beads, boys.... Our prayers have been answered!"

[jbfootin]

How about a few words from our friend Steven Wright.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so
good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be
lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you
need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness
of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

[TMCNo1]

A few QUICKIES




Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did
you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure. What was her maiden name?"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all
of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your
mother, cause I still have mine"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce
Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a
week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and
really good with the kids."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a
curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll
take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan
Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity
gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you
get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you
could start by buying me a drink."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed
a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and
twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit,
so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and
beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him
for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "azzhole" afterwards."

[AirJunky]

Know why there is no Disneyland in China?

No one tall enough to get on the rides.

[TMCNo1]

Last year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!"

At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry. It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yep..................SHE'S BLONDE!

[rholmes]

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because
he had an important meeting, and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up toward heaven, he said "Lord, take pity on me.
If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday
for the rest of my life, and give up tequila.

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Pedro looked up again and said, "Never mind. I found one."

[rholmes]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

((No offense intended to any attorneys out there.))

[rholmes]

The difference between Guts and Balls can be defined as follows:

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still
cleaning, or
are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and saying, "You're next!"

[rholmes]

A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies.

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing; I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day, Ma'am," and he left!!

[starman205]

[QUOTE=rholmes]These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ETS are you out there??? We are waiting for a rebuttle!!!!!!!!!!!!

[TMCNo1]

SAYING GOODBYE TO MOTHER......

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. That stupid Witch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her Downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.