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  • Why???

    Why, Why, Why ,
    Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

    Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

    Why does someone
    believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
    Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

    Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

    Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

    Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

    Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

    If people evolved from apes,
    why are there still apes?

    Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

    Is there ever a day that mattresses
    are not on sale?

    Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

    Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

    Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

    How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

    When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?"

    Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

    In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

    How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

    And my FAVORITE......
    The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it 's you.

    Comment


    • Where's that turkey?

      When you celebrate your blessings on Thursday, keep an eye on the bird. Happy Thanksgiving!

      Click image for larger version

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      Comment


      • A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The
        turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are
        bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

        The bartender looks at the guy and asks, "What's wrong with
        your turtle?"

        "Not a thing," the man responds, "this beat up turtle is faster
        than your dog."

        "Not a chance!" replies the barkeep.

        "Okay then, says the guy. You take your dog and let him stand
        at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of
        the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your
        dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

        So, the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. He goes
        to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three, calls
        his dog. The dog takes off running.

        Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the
        room. It narrowly misses the bartender and smashes into the
        wall.

        The guy says, "I win!"
        This is very dangerous. . .you go first.

        Don't be sad when it is over, be happy that it happened

        Comment


        • A recent study found the average American golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found American golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

          That means, on average, American golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

          Kind Of Makes You Proud doesn't it?

          Comment


          • Lunch at the mall

            --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
            I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
            I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one. And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peac0ck. I was just wondering if you were my son.
            If it's a penny for your thoughts & you give me your two cents, what happens to the other penny? Taxes, the democrats tax everything!!

            1990 Maristar 210... Sold

            In the market though...

            Comment


            • Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple that drove their car to Wal*Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot.

              The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

              Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
              Charter Member Number 1

              Quote: 2RLAKE,
              At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




              Comment


              • My Little Buttercup...
                Towards the end of the golf course, Larry hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.
                Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
                All of a sudden ... POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
                She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. "Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!!!"
                Then POOF! She was gone!
                After Larry recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Henry, where are you?"
                Henry yells back "I'm over here in the pussy willows."
                Larry shouts back, "DON'T SWING, HENRY; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T SWING!"

                Comment


                • Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

                  Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.

                  She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

                  What happened to you," asked Hillary? "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

                  "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

                  The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow. The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."


                  *Edit* Im not sure what kind of sunglasses Hillary or her driver wears.
                  "What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight. It's the size of the fight in the dog." - Gen. George S. Patton

                  Comment


                  • Morning joke, The Sunglass Threads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
                    Charter Member Number 1

                    Quote: 2RLAKE,
                    At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                    Comment



                    • Good ol' North Carolina, many of these are true...

                      Thought you might enjoy this! Some are so very true...
                      What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about people in North Carolina,

                      If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
                      don't work there, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you are 'fixin' to go anywhere, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you've worn shorts to a Christmas party, you may live in North
                      Carolina.

                      If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
                      dialed a wrong number, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Myrtle Beach for the
                      weekend, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you measure distance in hours, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
                      you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
                      both unlocked, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to
                      use them, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
                      everybody is passing you, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in North
                      Carolina.

                      If you and all your friends live for basketball season, be it high
                      school, college, or Pro, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you know that Charlotte is not really the State Capital, you
                      may live in North Carolina.

                      If you know three different recipes for baked beans, and which one
                      to take to a funeral, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you know two of more friends named 'Trey,' you may live in
                      North Carolina.

                      If you can name two hurricanes that blew away your neighbor's
                      trailer, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you think that all students who graduate from Duke move back
                      home to New York, you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you think that the tobacco barn out front is part of your home,
                      you may live in North Carolina.

                      If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your
                      North Carolina friends and others, you definitely live in North
                      Carolina!
                      Charter Member Number 1

                      Quote: 2RLAKE,
                      At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                      Comment


                      • NEVER SAY TO A COP

                        1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
                        2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in..
                        3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
                        4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
                        5.. Are You Andy or Barney?
                        6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
                        7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
                        8. I pay your salary!
                        9. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

                        10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
                        11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
                        12. When the Officer says 'Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?' You probably shouldn't respond with,'Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?'
                        Charter Member Number 1

                        Quote: 2RLAKE,
                        At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by TMCNo1

                          Good ol' North Carolina, many of these are true...

                          Thought you might enjoy this! Some are so very true...
                          What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about people in North Carolina,

                          If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
                          don't work there, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you are 'fixin' to go anywhere, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you've worn shorts to a Christmas party, you may live in North
                          Carolina.

                          If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
                          dialed a wrong number, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Myrtle Beach for the
                          weekend, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you measure distance in hours, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
                          you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
                          both unlocked, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to
                          use them, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
                          everybody is passing you, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in North
                          Carolina.

                          If you and all your friends live for basketball season, be it high
                          school, college, or Pro, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you know that Charlotte is not really the State Capital, you
                          may live in North Carolina.

                          If you know three different recipes for baked beans, and which one
                          to take to a funeral, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you know two of more friends named 'Trey,' you may live in
                          North Carolina.

                          If you can name two hurricanes that blew away your neighbor's
                          trailer, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you think that all students who graduate from Duke move back
                          home to New York, you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you think that the tobacco barn out front is part of your home,
                          you may live in North Carolina.

                          If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your
                          North Carolina friends and others, you definitely live in North
                          Carolina!

                          Yep, I am definitely from North Carolina !!!

                          Comment


                          • Keeping with the theme of the day......................

                            After going through a virus attack,
                            losing a hard drive,
                            fighting off hackers,
                            upgrading all my software,
                            installing fire-walls,
                            being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider,
                            and a host of other problems...
                            I have fixed my computer...
                            and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

                            Click image for larger version

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                            Comment


                            • This Year's First Christmas Joke

                              Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

                              "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said,"You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

                              The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

                              "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

                              The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

                              Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates."

                              The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

                              St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

                              The man replied, "These are Carols."

                              And So The Christmas Season Begins.....
                              2002 Blue Prostar 197, 0 Flex Tower, Perfect Pass, and The Preditor-ADHD Skier

                              I'm pursuing my lifelong quest for the perfect, the absolutely driest martini to be found in this or any other world. And I think I may have hit upon the perfect formula :

                              Comment


                              • Subject: $5,000


                                The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

                                "May I help you?" she asked.

                                "I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

                                "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam. "No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

                                Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

                                After an hour, the man calmly left.

                                The next night, the same man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.

                                Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

                                The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded.


                                <>That he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

                                After their session, Valerie questioned the man "No one has ever been
                                with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

                                The man replied, "South Carolina"

                                "Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

                                "I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's Attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

                                The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
                                1.
                                Death
                                2.
                                Taxes
                                3. Being screwed by a lawyer.

                                Charter Member Number 1

                                Quote: 2RLAKE,
                                At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                                Comment

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