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  • Four old timers were playing their weekly round of golf and one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and play a round of golf with no arguments from their wives. All four chimed in and said "let's do it, we will make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning."

    Months later Christmas morning arrived and they all met at the golf course. The first guy says "man this round of golf cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring and she can't take her eyes off of it!"

    The second guy says "yea this round cost me a ton as well! I bought the wife a new car, she is at home admiring it and is reading the new owners manual."

    The third guys says "my wife is at home planning the cruise I bought for her, she is up to her eyeballs in brochures planning the cruise."

    They all turn to the last guy who is staring at all of them like they had lost their minds. "I can't believe you guys went to such great expense to play golf this Christmas. I got up this morning, slapped my wife on the butt and said, well babe, Merry Christmas, this would be a great morning to have sex or play a round of golf"

    She replied, "don't forget you sweater it is a bit chilly outside".......
    If for some reason you start to believe you are a person with influence, just try ordering somebody else's dog around.

    Comment


    • I pretty much had enough of my dog chewing up my shoes and pooping on every rug in the house, it’s really beyond me why he wouldn’t just take a dump on the hardwood floors as they’re much easier to clean up. Add to that the fact that he can’t do any tricks, not even sit. In fact, when I asked him to sit he’d take a dump on the carpet.

      So I enrolled Fido (my dog) into the best obedience school money could buy (actually the only one I could find), three weeks later… I snapped this shot of him in my back yard…

      Click image for larger version

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      Comment


      • Originally posted by TMCNo1

        Good ol' North Carolina, many of these are true...

        Thought you might enjoy this! Some are so very true...
        What Jeff Foxworthy has to say about people in North Carolina,

        If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they
        don't work there, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you are 'fixin' to go anywhere, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you've worn shorts to a Christmas party, you may live in North
        Carolina.

        If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
        dialed a wrong number, you may live in North Carolina.

        If 'Vacation' means going anywhere south of Myrtle Beach for the
        weekend, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you measure distance in hours, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once,
        you may live in North Carolina.

        If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave
        both unlocked, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to
        use them, you may live in North Carolina.

        If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph -- you're going 80 and
        everybody is passing you, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you find 60 degrees 'a little chilly', you may live in North
        Carolina.

        If you and all your friends live for basketball season, be it high
        school, college, or Pro, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you know that Charlotte is not really the State Capital, you
        may live in North Carolina.

        If you know three different recipes for baked beans, and which one
        to take to a funeral, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you know two of more friends named 'Trey,' you may live in
        North Carolina.

        If you can name two hurricanes that blew away your neighbor's
        trailer, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you think that all students who graduate from Duke move back
        home to New York, you may live in North Carolina.

        If you think that the tobacco barn out front is part of your home,
        you may live in North Carolina.

        If you actually understand these jokes, and share them with your
        North Carolina friends and others, you definitely live in North
        Carolina!

        Well....I guess it's true....Our oldest is Trey......GO HEELS!!!!!
        You know it's gonna be a crappy morning when even Mark and Eddie leave you alone!!!

        Comment


        • Originally posted by Leah
          Well....I guess it's true....Our oldest is Trey......GO HEELS!!!!!

          I should have caught that and changed it to Bubba Earl!
          You know Bubba Earl, he's the twin brother to Bubba Earl Jr., sons of Earl Dean IV and his wife Earlenna Deanettea, his twin cousin!
          Charter Member Number 1

          Quote: 2RLAKE,
          At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




          Comment



          • Dear Abby,

            I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite.

            My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

            I have two brothers: one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

            I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time "working girl".

            All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

            Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for President?

            Signed,
            Worried About My Reputation

            Charter Member Number 1

            Quote: 2RLAKE,
            At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




            Comment


            • Morning Joke

              If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work? Answer = IHOP
              Love my boat, hate my trailer.

              Comment


              • Originally posted by kjohnson
                If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work? Answer = IHOP
                I heard that one on 2-1/2 men last night also
                This is very dangerous. . .you go first.

                Don't be sad when it is over, be happy that it happened

                Comment


                • PAY RAISE



                  The Maid asked for a raise. The lady of the house was very upset about

                  This and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

                  Maria: "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The

                  first is that I iron better than you."

                  Lady of the house: "Who said you iron better than me?"

                  Maria: "The Master said so."

                  Lady of the house: "Oh."

                  Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

                  Lady of the house: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I am?"

                  Maria: "The Master did."

                  Lady of the house: "Oh."

                  Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

                  Lady of the house (very upset now: "Did the Master say so as well?"

                  Maria: "No Madam, the gardener did."



                  SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
                  2002 Blue Prostar 197, 0 Flex Tower, Perfect Pass, and The Preditor-ADHD Skier

                  I'm pursuing my lifelong quest for the perfect, the absolutely driest martini to be found in this or any other world. And I think I may have hit upon the perfect formula :

                  Comment


                  • The Old Cow


                    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.
                    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened.
                    She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.
                    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.
                    He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other,and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.
                    "What happened to you," asked Hillary?
                    "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar; his wife gave me the wine,and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

                    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

                    The driver replied,

                    "I just stepped inside the door and said, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.

                    The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."



                    Last edited by TMCNo1; 12-04-2007, 09:20 PM.
                    Charter Member Number 1

                    Quote: 2RLAKE,
                    At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                    Comment


                    • This guy is a hoot! Achmed the Dead Terrorist! Chech out all his other buddies too!
                      http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=1uwOL4rB-go
                      Last edited by TMCNo1; 12-04-2007, 09:04 PM.
                      Charter Member Number 1

                      Quote: 2RLAKE,
                      At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                      Comment


                      • Onions & Christmas Trees


                        A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

                        The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

                        In Her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

                        "Onions?"

                        "Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

                        This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, How many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

                        The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willie is like an oak tree, Mighty and hard.

                        In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree".

                        "A Christmas tree?"

                        "Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
                        If it's a penny for your thoughts & you give me your two cents, what happens to the other penny? Taxes, the democrats tax everything!!

                        1990 Maristar 210... Sold

                        In the market though...

                        Comment


                        • Bubba Had Shingles

                          Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:

                          Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

                          Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

                          Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical histor y and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

                          A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

                          An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

                          Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em
                          Charter Member Number 1

                          Quote: 2RLAKE,
                          At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                          Comment


                          • Parking Meter Laugh

                            Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
                            interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went down town to go to the
                            newsstand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was
                            only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing
                            out a parking ticket.

                            I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a
                            retired person a break"? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
                            I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having
                            worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the
                            second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a
                            third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him,
                            the more tickets he wrote.

                            Personally, I didn't care... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was
                            putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08."

                            I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health.
                            Charter Member Number 1

                            Quote: 2RLAKE,
                            At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                            Comment


                            • To My TT friends with children.......Why some of us might drink.....

                              The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
                              " Hello ?"


                              Is your daddy home?" he asked
                              " Yes ,"

                              whispered the small voice.

                              May I talk with him?"

                              The child whispered,
                              " No ."



                              Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "
                              Yes ."




                              "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "
                              No ."


                              Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"


                              " Yes ,"

                              whispered the child, " a policeman ".



                              Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"


                              " No, he's busy ", whispered the child.


                              "Busy doing what?"


                              " Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,"
                              came the whispered answer.


                              Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"




                              " A helicopter "
                              answered the whispering voice.



                              "What ! is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.



                              Again, whispering, the child answered,
                              " The search team just landed a helicopter ."




                              Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"


                              Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
























                              " ME!."




                              Gotta love 'em huh?!?!?!?
                              You know it's gonna be a crappy morning when even Mark and Eddie leave you alone!!!

                              Comment




                              • Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches Maxine sitting by herself...
                                Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?"
                                Maxine: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
                                Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
                                Maxine: "No, they spread."
                                Charter Member Number 1

                                Quote: 2RLAKE,
                                At some point in time people need to wake up, remove their cranial intrusion into their own rectal areas, and take responsibility for their own actions.




                                Comment

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