Morning Joke Thread

[rholmes]

Arkansas Bar

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya??? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us

[TMCNo1]

UMP does that part time, mounts animals!
I thought a Taxidermist was a bodyman for a cab company??????????????????

[Utahfoiler]

The Bartender

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot.

The robot clicked to attention and asked, 'Sir, what will you have?'

The man thought a moment then replied? 'A martini please.'

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, 'Sir, what is your IQ?'

The man answered 'oh, about 164.'

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-stellar space travel', 'the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact.

He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have?

'A Martini please.'
Again it was superb!

The robot again asked 'what is your IQ sir?'

This time the man answered, 'Oh about 100'.
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do that week end.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.

Again a martini, and the question, 'What is your IQ?'??

This time the man drawled out ' Uh.....'bout 50'.

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked ,

'A-r-e . .y-o-u-r . . p-e-o-p-l-e . . r-e-a-l-l-y . . .g-o-i-n-g . . . t-o . . n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e . . H-i-l-l-a-r-y-???'

[tex]

Subject: Fw: Jimmy & Bubba








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking downMain Street when he saw his buddy
Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

"Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

"Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya,but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened.
We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive,and headed
into the woods. She parked the truck, got out,threw off all her clothes
and
said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! "


"Bubba, yore a smart man!Them clothes woul da never fit you!"

[TMCNo1]

A man owned a small farm in Indiana .

The Indiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the agent.

' Well,' replied the farmer, 'there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit,' says the agent.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[chudson]

This is a good one

For those of you who are sick of getting e-mails that tell you to forward it to at least X number of people in the next 15 minutes so that wonderful things and miracles will happen if you do, or there will be serious consequences if you don't, then you will enjoy this.

http://info.org.il/irrelevant/may02-smilepop-soapbox4.swf

[jbfootin]

Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes
me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a
limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out
for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne,
dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show.
Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into
an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new
dress and has his way with me two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I
shouldn't go out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no...I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[chudson]

No matter what situation's life throws at you, no matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem, remember that there is always a light at the end of tunnel...................

[rholmes]

Joe took his, knock-down gorgeous, blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy!"

[rholmes]

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave.
One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week they burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children."

He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head. The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine.

The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this."

Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh... my... God... we're going to be millionaires!"

[mcdoon]

Why It's Important to Understand English

When I got back from Montana last week I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little irritated! He asked the teller, "Why it
change?? Yestoday, I get two huna dolla fo yen. Today I get huna eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged her shoulders and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

[Jim@BAWS]

Subject: Italian Boy's Confession


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Parisi?''
Yes, Father, it is.''
"And who was the girl you were with?''
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her n ame sooner or later, so you may
as well tell me now. Was it TinaMinetti?'
"'I cannot say.'
"'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
"'I'll never tell.''
"Was it Nin a Capelli?''
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.''
"Was it Cathy Piriano?'
"'My lips are sealed.''
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
"'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tightlipped, Joey Parisi,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave
yourself.
'Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend, Franco, slides over and
whispers, 'What'd you get?''
"Four months vacation and five good leads

[Chas]

I really like jokes that sneak up on me- that one sure did!

[Jim@BAWS]

Why Men should not take messages...

[TMCNo1]

Thought of the Day,
Beware!
If you go to the grocery store and see a Snowman. He may have been in the Produce Department, picking his nose!