Morning Joke Thread

[6ballsisall]

MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them
Pass on this advice !!

Your preaching to the choir here...[/QUOTE]

I read that just before your post LR, somehow I knew you'd say that

[sizzler]

something for Lakes Rick.....

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Mike was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the old man got into the car. Resuming the journey, Mike tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mike.

"What's in the bag?", asked the old man. Mike looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my Wife."

The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two.

Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said, "Good trade."

[Ron Grover]

It was Mike the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by whole family, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house gave him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, led him through the door, closing it behind him and then led him upstairs to the bedroom where she indulged him with the most passionate love-making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast of eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed OJ.

When his appetite was satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup.

All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but what's the dollar for?

Well, said the blonde, last night I told my husband that today would be your last day and suggested we do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said "screw him...give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea.

[sizzler]

nice one ron

[sizzler]

>>> Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.
> >>> When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home
> >was
> >>> take off my trousers," he said. "I gave them to your mother and
> >>> told
> >her
> >>> to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she
> >>> said
> >to
> >>> me
> >>> that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large.
> >>>
> >>> I told her, "of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in
> >>> this family and I always will." Ever since that day, we have never
> >>> had a single problem." Jack took his father's advice and as soon
> >>> as he got
>
> >>> Jill
> >alone
> >>> after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers,
> >gave
> >>> them
> >>> to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers
> >were too
> >>> big
> >>>
> >>> and she couldn't possibly wear them. "Exactly," replied Jack. "I
> >wear the
> >>> trousers in this relationship and always will.
> >>>
> >>> I don't want you to forget that".
> >>> Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. Try
> >>> these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too
> >small.
> >>> "I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack. Exactly,"
> >>> replied Jill. "And if you don't change your f**king attitude,you
> >>> never will.
>

[peason]

Peanuts

An man and his wife are watching TV. The man is eating peanuts by throwing them up in the air and catching them in his mouth. In the middle of one of his peanut tosses, the door opens and in walk his lovely daughter and her steady boyfriend. The man turns his head to see who is entering and the peanut falls in his ear. He tries and tries to get the peanut out, but it is lodged in his ear. Upon seeing his frustration, his daugher asks if he needs help, which he declines. The boyfriend speaks up and says I know a sure way to get the peanut out, trust me it will work.
The boyfriend then sticks his two fingers into the man's nose and tells him to blow as hard as he can. Sure enough the peanut pops out!

After the young couple leave, the wife was so impressed with the boyfriend and his solution to getting the peanut out she goes on and on about how smart the young man is. She finally askes her husband what he thinks this boy will be when he grows up.

The man replies, "I don't have any clue what he will be, but by the smell of his fingers he is going to be our son-in-law"

[jayocheskey]

Very Dirty!!!

[sizzler]

so wrong..........but goood

[André]

Good jokes guys !
Keep them coming !

[Ron Grover]

Maria and Tony get married and they are poor newlyweds so they go back to Maria's mothers house for the honeymoon.

Maria has never been with a man and doesn't know quite what to do. So they go upstairs and all of a sudden Maria runs downstairs the stairs in a panic. Mama, mama she screams, Tony took off his shirt and he has a hair all over his chest.

Mama comforts her little girl and tells her all good men have hair on their chest now go back up stairs with your husband.

So Maria goes back upstairs and Tony takes off his pants. Maria runs out the door and down the stairs yelling mama mama Tony has hair all over his legs. Mama again comforts her little girl by telling her all good men have hair on their legs. Now go back upstairs.

Maria goes back upstairs and finds Tony sitting on the edge of the bed. He raises his leg and pulls off one sock and reachs down and takes off the other sock. In a mowing accident Tony accidently had cut off 3 toes and a portion of his foot. Maria runs screaming out of the room.

Down the stairs she runs, Mama Mama, Tony only has a foot and a half. Mama turns around to her little girl and hands her the spoon, here stir the pasta.

[Ron Grover]

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" His mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"

The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts???"

The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes I have. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars. But realistically, we're living with two sluts and a queer."

[Ron Grover]

Service With A Smile

Henry was standing in line at the airport check-in counter. The man
in front of him was giving the ticket agent all kinds of grief. It
appeared the agent was doing everything possible to please the man,
but nothing seemed to work; the customer seemed to get angrier with
every suggestion the agent made, and raised his voice louder and
louder.

The agent, on the other hand, kept perfectly poised and, when he
finally got everything in order, sent the man off with a smile.

Henry handed the agent his ticket for processing and said to him, "I
don't know how you kept your cool with that man."

"Oh, it wasn't too hard," said the agent, "I've dealt with his type
before."

"I still don't understand how you managed to stay so calm when
someone is yelling at you like that?" noted Henry.

"Well," continued the ticket agent, "you noticed he was going to
Seattle?"

"Yes," said Henry.

"His luggage," said the agent, "is going to Singapore."

[Leroy]

Gandorf the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.

Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Gandorf the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Gandorf the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Gandorf the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Gandorf the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Gandorf worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Gandorf the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Gandorf the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

The King immediately summoned Gandorf the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[BriEOD]

Funny

[erkoehler]

That is too long! I am so tired I didn't read it all (I'll be honest!) I think it was funny, oh well off to bed!