Morning Joke Thread

[Leroy]

I'll find a couple of one liners for ya Eric!

[erkoehler]

Can't stay a w a k e any longer!


Talk to you guys after 3 today!

[MarkP]

That is too long! I didn't read it all

Now thats funny

[sizzler]

guys ...the towns mentioned are around my hometown...please feel free to substitute them for your own towns.....

A train hits a busload of Essex Schoolgirls and they all perish. They
>are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St.Peter. St
>Peter asks the first girl (from Southend), "Karen, have you ever had
>any contact with a man's thing?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well
>I once touched the head of one with the
>tip of my finger"
> St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and

>pass
>through the gate."
> St. Peter asks the next girl (from Hornchurch) the same question,
>"Joanne have you ever had any contact with a mans thing?" The girl is a

>little reluctant but replies "Well once I fondled and
stroked
>one."
>St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass
through
>the gate."
>
>All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, and
>the girl from Romford is pushing her way to the front of the line.When
>she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Tracy! What seems to
>be the rush?" The girl replies.."If I'm going to have to gargle that
>Holy water...I want to do it before Lorraine sticks her arse in it!!"
>

[MasterMason]

That is too long! I am so tired I didn't read it all (I'll be honest!) I think it was funny, oh well off to bed!

Short attention span disorder?

[BriEOD]

A man boards a plane and sits down in his seat next to a very attractive woman. As the plane is taking off and climbing to the apporopriate altitude the man and the women begin to talk. He asks her "what do you do for a living?" To which she replies: "I'm a sex therapist." She goes on to say that their are a lot of "improper stereotypes in her line of work." "For example" she tells the man "most people think it's the French that are the longest lovers, when in fact it is Native Americans." "Others believe that latinos give the best oral sex, when conversely it is the Jewish." "Also, a lot of people think that it is the blacks that are the most well endowed, when in actuality it is cajuns." The woman is going on and on. She actually becomes a little embarassed and says to the man: "I've been talking about myself so much I missed your name." To that the man says, my name is: Tonto, Tonto Goldstein but my buddies call Boudreaux."

[bcampbe7]

Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style."

The contestants will all start in Dallas, and then drive to Waco,
Austin, San Antonio. Next, over to Houston and then down to
Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland,
Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene,
Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: I'm
Gay, I Love the Dixie Chicks, Boycott Beef, I Voted for John Kerry,
George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2008 and I'm here to confiscate your
gun. The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.

[Ron Grover]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and
exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Job. Our prayers have been answered!"
__________________

[peason]

A new priest is up on the altar offering his sermon, the congregation is very pleased with his style and delivery. As he finishes his sermon he solemnly says "Lord you have created us in your image, and without you we are but dust."

While all is quiet, a small child looks up at her mother and askes in a rather large wisper so that everyone can hear, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[bradamerry]

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

[bradamerry]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."

[JEREMY79]

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Whats wrong with all that

[bradamerry]

Whats wrong with all that

I didn't say anything was wrong with it .....

[JEREMY79]

I'll do it this way
1. Yes he goes everywhere the truck goes. (choclolate lab)
2. No. Just have one hat. (that may be worse)
3. Many, Many times.
4. Throw away a few
5. Sh!t I cant remember my phone #
6. Used my sock too
7. Yes. And cows too
8. No. Have blacktop
9. She was a great dog.
10. Many times. Just wipe it off first.

[bradamerry]

A Texas oil tycoon stormed into his lawyer's office and demanded that he immediately start divorce proceedings against his wife. He said, "I want to sue that adulterous b!tch for breach of contract."

The lawyer said, "I don't think you have a case. Your wife isn't a piece of property. You don't own her."

"Maybe your right," the tycoon said. "But I sure as he!! expected exclusive drilling rights!"