Morning Joke Thread

[TMCNo1]

The next time someone asks you a dumb question wouldn't you like to respond like this?

Yesterday I was at our Wal-Mart Super Center buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line whenwoman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant?


So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that, no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again!
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the checkout line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's azz and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!

[Ubugme2]

LOL THATS GREAT!! Heres one for ya.

How do you tell when your girlfriend is getting to fat???






When She fits in you Wifes clothes!

[ProTour X9]

This isn't a joke but it goes along w/ TMCNo1's joke: Today in class my biology teacher (senile, spent his whole life in the Marines, has yellow fever and can't give blood, yadda yadda) said that dog food is made out of unusable parts of beef, pigs, and experimental monkeys.

I thought it was weird.

[TMCNo1]

This isn't a joke but it goes along w/ TMCNo1's joke: Today in class my biology teacher (senile, spent his whole life in the Marines, has yellow fever and can't give blood, yadda yadda) said that dog food is made out of unusable parts of beef, pigs, and experimental monkeys.

I thought it was weird.

Now I know why I like a banana after a meal of Kibbles and Bits!

[tex]

Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.' He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.' He turned to the third mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, we're leaving. Your brothers Peter and Willy are waiting for us.

[2RLAKE]

The 4th Marriage

A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk
that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice ?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you
that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages,
I remain as innocent as a first time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we
had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third
husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat
on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened
......"

[ProTour X9]

Wheres the joke about the 10 guys paying democratically for beer??

[chico]

Two hicks were driving down a back road in kentucky when they came upon a dog at the side of the road licking himself,the one hick said to the other,don`t yall wish you could do that,the other one said,ya,but if I did he`d probably bite me!

[mallees]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[ProStar190Fan]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

The morning joke thread is back

[mlay]

Wheres the joke about the 10 guys paying democratically for beer??

Kind of long but maybe this is what your looking for.


OUR TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED....

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers?How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?' They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.!

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.


For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

[jbfootin]

A couple just got married and on the night of their honey-
moon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband,
"Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible?
You've been married three times before."

The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gyne-
cologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second
husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was
talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp
collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[TMCNo1]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... and then there are educators!

[jbfootin]

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a small corporation,
called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara
will have to be laid off." Dave looked at Mr. Smith and
said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and
three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara,
I've got a problem. You see, I've got to lay you or Jack
off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd
better jack off. I've got a headache."

[russlars]

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom says, "no, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline and scubbed the dogs backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."