Morning Joke Thread

[bradamerry]

Trip to the Doc
> > >This old man in his eighty's got up and was putting on his coat.
> > >His wife said "Where are you going?" He said "I'm going to the doctor.
> > >" And she said "Why, are you sick?" "No" he said, "I'm going to get me
> > >some of those new Viagra pills." So his wife got up out of her rocker
> > >and was putting on her sweater and he said "Where are you going?"
> > >She said "I'm going to the doctor, too." He said, "Why?" She said,
> > >"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to
> > >get a tetanus shot!"

[MarkP]

Come on Brad, I don’t need to picture stuff like that

[mgurley]

City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did santa bring it to you?"

" Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the little girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[tex]

somebody post a short funny joke. I need to laugh!

[bradamerry]

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

[bradamerry]

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy. "Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck, " says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"

[pilot02]

Mom & dad decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

He began his commentary as his parents were putting their amorous plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

A few moments passed.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments later,

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike."

"The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, mother and dad shot up in bed!!!

Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex?"

"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle, too."

[pilot02]

So I'm walking down Peachtree Street headed to a Braves game last weekend, when I'm accosted by a dirty, shabby-looking "homeless man," who asks me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

Wanting to set a good example for my son, I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "You're not going to buy beer with this, are you?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the man replied.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the bum said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" I asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well then," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife, Joanie."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

"That's okay." I said. " I just want her to see what a man looks like who has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."

[bradamerry]

Gotta Love Them Louisiana Girls !!



Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.



The first man married a woman from Alabama, and bragged that he told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house.

He said that took a couple of days but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.



The second man married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes done and he had a huge dinner on the table.



The third man had married a Louisiana gal. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and meals cooked. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye !

[pilot02]

"DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT'

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."

"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied,

"Get him, Spike!"

[sizzler]

Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint
> >of goat's milk.
> >
> >The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping
> >through pictures, and they start reminiscing.
> >
> >"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
> >
> >"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.
> >
> >"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.
> >
> >"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"
> >
> >"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair
> >when he was born".
> >
> >"He's a martyr too " says mum quietly.
> >
> >"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.
> >
> >"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ",
> >she whispers.
> >
> >"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first
> >started school".
> >
> >"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.
> >
> >After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks
> >wistfully at the photographs and says... "They blow up so fast, don't
> >they?"
>
>

[André]

LMAOROTF!!!
I love the Brits sense of humor!

[BriEOD]

Lmao!! :d

[sizzler]

A bloke is in a queue at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my a rse!?"

No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"...

[Ric]

A hippie hitchiker gets picked up by a trucker
after a while, he asks the trucker effeminitely, aren't you going to ask if I'm a man or I'm a woman?
Trucker "nope, I'm a gonna ____ you anyway!"