Morning Joke Thread

[MattsCraft]

Thanksgiving Divorce

Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and
says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other
any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of
talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck
they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling
my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."

[jbfootin]

I like that one...Old people are crafty

[TMCNo1]

Only if the kids will get their wealth redistribution checks before Thanksgiving!

[MattsCraft]

TMC No1

One More

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.
'I'm on the 7th hole,' she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be on the
6th hole.' He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached her again with the same request. 'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you must be on the 13th hole.' Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that
she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell off the bar stool.
'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.'

[mlay]

This was proved to be fake so I am posting it here as a joke but you have to love the comeback.


Major General Peter Cosgrove

For those who don't know of him, General Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'

General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns & children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! It's one of the best comeback lines of all time.



This is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster & General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?



GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?



GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?



GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.



FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one are you?



The radio went silent.

[ski_king]

Center for Disease Control Warning

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will completely wipe out your private life.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises, take two friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[TMCNo1]

This just in,
Effective Janurary 21, 2009, all Al-Qaeda terrorist videos must be shot in Digital High Definition!

[bbymgr]

Blonde Joke

..................................

[SkiDog]

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their butts out of the window & make 56 million people very happy.

[ProStar190Fan]

Barack Obama, Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey were flying on Obama's private plane. Obama looked at Oprah, chuckled and said, 'You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy.' Oprah shrugged her shoulders and replied, 'I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy. Michelle added, 'That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy.' Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, 'Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of their butts out of the window & make 56 million people very happy.

This made my day!

Tom

[ProStar190Fan]

I realized i broke the rule and did not post a joke, well its nt a joke but rather an informative video on the digital trasition.

heres the link http://www.hulu.com/watch/36608/talk...sten-cable-psa

Tom

[TMCNo1]

I realized i broke the rule and did not post a joke, well its nt a joke but rather an informative video on the digital trasition.

heres the link http://www.hulu.com/watch/36608/talk...sten-cable-psa

Tom

Yes it's a joke, and it's still funny, I don't care who you are!

[Slinkyredfoot]

Four University of Florida sophmores were taking the same chemistry class and all four had a good solid A in the class going into the final exam. They were all very confident of their good fortune in this class, they decided to leave town and visit some friends and party all weekend.
They were all so hungover and partied out that they slept all day Sunday and failed to make it back to school on Monday and missed the final exam. They went to their prof and explained that on the way back they had a flat tire on the interstate and it took over eight hours to get a ride, fix the tire, and make it back to Gainsville thus missing the final.

The professor agreed to let them all take the final the next day. The four arrive to class, the prof gives them the test booklet and puts them all in seperate rooms to thake the test.

After answering the first question worth five points, they were all so confident they would ace the final. They turn to the second test page...

On the second page was written...

For 95 points Which Tire?__________

[h20_skidog]

It's all about the Ice Cream......

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They wanted ice cream. The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.

[TMCNo1]

The most eye-opening civics lesson I ever had was while teaching third grade in 2000. The presidential election was heating up and some of the children showed an interest. I decided we would have an election for a class president. We would choose our nominees. They would make a campaign speech and the class would vote.

To simplify the process, candidates were nominated by other class members. We discussed what kinds of characteristics these students should have. We got many nominations and from those, Jamie and Olivia were picked to run for the top spot.

The class had done a great job in their selections. Both candidates were good kids. I thought Jamie might have an advantage because he got lots of parental support. I had never seen Olivia's mother. The day arrived when they were to make their speeches Jamie went first. He had specific ideas about how to make our class a better place. He ended by promising to do his very best. Everyone applauded.

He sat down and Olivia came to the podium. Her speech was concise. She said, "If you will vote for me, I will give you ice cream." She sat down. The class went wild. "Yes! Yes! We want ice cream."

She surely would say more. She did not have to. A discussion followed. How did she plan to pay for the ice cream? She wasn't sure. Would her parents buy it or would the class pay for it? She didn't know. The class really didn't care. All they were thinking about was ice cream. Jamie was forgotten. Olivia won by a land slide.

Every time Barack Obama opened his mouth he offered ice cream, and fifty percent of America reacts like nine-year-olds. They wanted ice cream. The other fifty percent know they're going to have to feed the cow.

Wonderful Story! Now where's the hay and the pitchfork, I gotta go to work!