Morning Joke Thread

[TMCNo1]

REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE, SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL, SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, 'SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.' 'YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER. BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.'

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, 'MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.
MARRY WILL, OR MARRY JOE: YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.'

Brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?

[chudson]

PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh.....it is all true...

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

Forward this to everyone you can remember right now!

And NEVER, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[bbymgr]

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the
chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for
lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was
time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road
because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and
dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the
road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped
that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes
me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that
every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to
cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed
the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side
of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for
us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly
see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.
What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the
road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross,
and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not
for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some
black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken
doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on
this side of the road before it goes after the problem on
the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him
realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current
problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad.
So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and
take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this
chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a
chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the
other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's
guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking
American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that
chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's
Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain
level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it
with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it
crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the
road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and
that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments,
we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first
time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a
serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing
roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will
not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is
an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much
more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or
did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

[Monte]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job & buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week & gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace & quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it & a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas Party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 pm'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave & stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again!'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

[SkiDog]

VERY INTERESTING STUFF


In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'



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Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.



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The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.



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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.



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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.



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Coca-Cola was originally green.



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It is impossible to lick your elbow.



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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)



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The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400


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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:

61,000

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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..



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The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.



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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.



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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:




Spades - King David


Hearts - Charlemagne


Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar


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111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes



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Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.




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Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?



A. Their birthplace


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Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?



A.
Obsession

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Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?



A. One
thousand

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Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?



A. All were invented
by women.



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Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?


A.
Honey


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Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?



A. Father's
Day


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In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'



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It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.




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In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'



It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'



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Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.



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At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!




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Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.



I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?



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YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2008 when...



1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.



2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.



3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.




4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you..


5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.



6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.



7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen




8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.



10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee




11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )



12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.



13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.



14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.



15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list


~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.


Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your elbow.

Scanning upwards from the bottom, I'd have bet the farm that Atlfootr or COZ posted this!

[SkiDog]

An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. 'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.' 'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?'

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very Well,' said the voice..

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.'

Send that one DOWN to the great Madelen Albright!

[chudson]

NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES!

All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost.

* Workloads getting to you?
* Feeling stressed?
* Too many priorities and assignments?


Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)

Fig 1.


Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.


Fig 2.


Apply as shown in Fig 3.


Fig 3.


Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

The Management

[wakeX2wake]

thank God you're a man... flow charts included

let's go out for a drink...


i need to go to the bathroom...


how did your night go?...

[Monte]

Grandma's letter.



She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.



She writes:



Dear Granddaughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.



So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.



Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed.



I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.



It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.



I found that lots of people love Jesus!



While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,



'For the love of God! '



'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'



What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!



Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.



I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!



There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.



I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.



I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.



He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.



Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing.



Why even he was enjoying this religious experience !! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.



I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.



So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.



I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.



So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.



Praise the Lord for such wonderful Christian people!



Will write again soon,



Love, Grandma

[2RLAKE]

Ted Nugent, rock star and avid hunter from Michigan, was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting.

The journalist asked "what do you thing is the last thought that in the deer's head before you shoot him? Is it "are you my friend?" or is it "are you the one who killed my brother?".

Nugent replied "deer are not capable of thinking. All they think about is what am i going to eat next ... who am i going to screw next ... and can i run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.

The interview ended at that point!!

[tuffenuff]

Might have already heard this one. Long, but funny!


WORST FIRST DATE STORY EVER


If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down

when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first

date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.


Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date

that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date

experience. There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the

prize!


She said it was midwinter...Snowing and quite cold... and the guy had

taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City , Utah .

It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and

had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until

they were headed home late that afternoon. They wer e driving back down

the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not

have had that extra latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere

with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested

she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of

the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that

he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the

front seat of his car


They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her

pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so

she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her

companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed

was

a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about

was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the

situation.


Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As

she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks

were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to

poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh

from the

icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem, due

to the extreme cold.


Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she

answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long' with a reply

that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off' and in need of some

assistance! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her

sweater and then, as she looked implori ngly into his eyes, he burst out

laughing She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to

compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical

as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.


Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from

the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the

predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only

one way to get her free. So, as she looked the other way, her first time

date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.


As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize

hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'. And you thought your

first date was embarrassing. Jay Leno's comment...'This gives a whole new

meaning to being piss ed off.'


Oh, and how did the first date turn out? He became her husband and was

sitting next to her on the Leno show.

[trickskier]

Just for Gator fans...





Coach Nick Saban, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God showed him around.


They came to a nice little house with a small Rolltide flag in the window.


"This house is yours for eternity, Nick," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets such a cozy house up here."


Nick felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up to the porch, he noticed another house towering above the others.




It was just down the street. It was a multi-story mansion with an Orange and Blue sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous Gator flag, and in every window, he could see Gator fans.


Nick looked at God and said "God, I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I have a question.


"God asked "So what do you want to know, Nick?"


"Well, why does Urban Meyer get a better house than me?"


God chuckled, and said "Nick, that's not Urban's house, it's mine."

[RexDog1]

Girls -- Please have a sense of humor!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like
it, I
just want you to hold me.' I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for
who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each
outfit.'

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'
She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't
feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bit#h
knows I'm smarter than her.

[TMCNo1]

Better than a Flu Shot!


Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cute glass bowl Sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the
better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package On the ground.
The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you
know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

[SkiDog]

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student,
shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand.'