Morning Joke Thread

[SkiDog]

Try it one more time!

To the Guy Who Mugged Me Downtown (Downtown, Savannah )

I was the white guy with the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I hope you somehow come across this message. I'd like to apologize.

I didn't expect you to crap your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. Truth is, I was wearing the jacket for a reason that evening, and it wasn't that cold outside. You see, my girlfriend had just bought me that Kimberly 1911 .45 ACP pistol for Christmas, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it that evening. Beautiful pistol, eh? It's a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn't it?

I know it probably wasn't a great deal of fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge flopping about in your droopy pants. I'm sure it was even worse since you also ended up leaving your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. I couldn't have you calling up any of your buddies to come help you try to mug us again. I took the liberty of calling your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, and explaining to her your situation. I also bought myself some gas on your card. I gave your shoes to one of the homeless guys over by Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all of the cash in your wallet, then I threw the wallet itself in a dumpster.

I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell. They'll be on your bill in case you'd like to know which ones. Alltel recently shut down the line,
and I've only had the phone for a little over a day now, so I don't know what's going on with that. I hope they haven't permanently cut off your service.
I was about to make some threatening phone calls to the DA's office with it. Oh well.

So, about your pants. I know that I was a little rough on you when you did this whole attempted mugging thing, so I'd like to make it up to you. I'm sure you've already washed your pants, so I'd like to help you out. I'd like to reimburse you for the detergent you used on the pants. What brand did you use, and was it liquid or powder? I'd also like to apologize for not killing you and instead making you walk back home humiliated. I'm hoping that you'll reconsider your choice of careers. Next time you might not be so lucky. If you read this message, email me and we'll do lunch and laundry. Peace!

[wakeX2wake]

-If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
-Why is the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?
-If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? Congress...lol
-Why is a boxing ring square?
-Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
-If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
-So what's the speed of dark?
-After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
-Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
-Why for many does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
-If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
-Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
-Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
-Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
-If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
-Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
-Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
-How come abbreviated is such a long word?
-If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
-Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
-Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
-Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
-Why is a person who invests our money called a broker?
-Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
-If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
-If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
-Why don't psychics win all of the lotteries?
-What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
-If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
-Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
-When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
-Do fish get cramps after eating?
-Why is bottled lemon juice made with artificial flavors but dish washing liquid made with "real" lemons?
-Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
-Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
-Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
-If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
-When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
-Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
-Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
-How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
-Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
-Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
-Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
-Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
-Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
-Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
-What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
-Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
-Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

[wakeX2wake]

you might be in the Taliban if...

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."

10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat

[wakeX2wake]

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[TMCNo1]

WINTER BLONDE

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.

The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...
"Hi, my name is Mark, it's winter in West Virginia and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

[TMCNo1]

Love at Last!

George, age 92 and Edith, age 89 are all excited about their decision to get married.They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. George suggests they go in and he addresses the man behind the counter.

"Are you the owner? "The pharmacist answers, "Yes".
We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

"Of course we do."

"How about support hose for circulation?"

"Definitely."

"What about medicine for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"

"All kinds."

"How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"

"Yes, sir."
"Hearing aide, denture supplies, sleeping pills, Geritol and Ensure?" "Absolutely"

"You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"

"All kinds and sizes.

Why all the questions?"
George smiles and replies to the pharmacist, "we'd like to use your store for our Bridal Registry."

[mlay]

THE INAUGURATION

There were 1.5 to 2 million people at the inauguration

And only 14 missed work.

[chudson]

If You Grew Up in the Midwest, then...


You know how to polka, but never tried it sober.

You know what “knee-high by the Fourth of July” means.

You know it is traditional for the bride and groom to go bar hopping between the reception and wedding dance.

You know the difference between 'Green' and 'Red' farm machinery and would fight with your friends on the playground over which was better!

You buy Christmas presents at Fleet Farm.

You spent more on beer & liquor than you did on food at your wedding.

You hear someone use the word 'uff-da' and you don't break into uncontrollable laughter.

You or someone you know was a 'Pork Princess' at the county fair.

You know that 'combine' is a noun.

You let your older siblings talk you into putting your tongue on a steel post in the middle of winter.

You think Lutheran and Catholic are THE major religions.

You know that 'creek' rhymes with 'pick'.

Football schedules, hunting season, and harvest, are all taken into consideration before wedding dates are set.

A Friday night date is getting a six-pack and taking your girlfriend spotlighting for deer.

Saturday you go to your local bowling alley.

There was at least one, if not several, in your class who had to help milk cows in the morning.

You have driven your car on the lake.

Every wedding dance you have ever been to has the hokey pokey and the chicken dance.

Your definition of a small town is one that only has one bar.

The local gas station sells live bait.

At least twice a year some part of your home doubles as a meat processing plant.

You think that the start of deer season is a national holiday.

You actually understand these jokes and will forward them to all your Midwestern friends!!!!!

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way!

[chudson]

Statistics

Doctors:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of
Health Human Services.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>

Now think about this:
Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.
Is 80,000,000.(Yes, that's 80 million..)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.
Statistics courtesy of FBI

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>

Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

[jbfootin]

This one may have been on here before, but it still makes me laugh out loud



A few years ago, the Sierra Club and the United States
Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming
ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seemed that, after years of the ranchers using the tried
and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators,
the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What they
proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males
castrated, then let loose again...and thus the population
would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the
Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower's association by Sierra Club
and USFS.

Well, all the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for
a couple of minutes. Finally, an old boy in the back stood
up, kicked his hat back and said, "Son, I don't think you
understand the problem." These coyotes ain't f*@#in' our
sheep....they're eatin' 'em."

[wakeX2wake]

Two buddies, Chuck and Al, are getting very drunk at a bar when Suddenly Al throws up all over himself. "Oh, no... Now my wife is going to kill me!" Chuck says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill." So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually, Al stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!" Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Al says, "Now wain a minit, I can e'splain everythin. Its snot wha chew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me...he had one too many! And he juss coudin hold hiz liquor. He said He was berrry sorry an' gave me twenny bucks for the cleaning bill!" His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks." "Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot. He craped in my pants, too."

[jbfootin]

I could here any one of my kids saying this

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day
he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the
shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy
says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get
a spanking."

[2RLAKE]

Stimulus Payment Info:

"This year, taxpayers will receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. This
is a very exciting new program. I will explain it here using the "Q and
A" format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only some of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition
TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

[TMCNo1]

No Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after inToronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...



(Please scroll down.)

What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!
Now get back to work.!
I don't know about you people sometimes..

[chudson]

I'M CONFUSED:

How can nearly 2 million folks get into Washington DC in sub zero temps in 1
day when 200,000 couldn't get out of New Orleans at 85 degrees with four
days notice?