Morning Joke Thread

[3event]

"The Buffalo Theory" (as explained on the show Cheers, by Cliff Claven to his buddy Norm Peterson:

'Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

[jbfootin]

A woman said to her friend, "I don't know what to do. My
husband is such a mess maker that you can't imagine. He
doesn't put anything in its place, I am always going around
the house organizing things."

The friend says, "Take a tip from me. The first week after
we were married I told my husband firmly, 'Every glass and
plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in
its place.'"

The first woman asked, "Did it help?"

Her friend said, "I don't know. I haven't seen him since."

[mlay]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was
looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.


What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects
of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse
affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to
safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!


Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded
two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.


Nothing! I was disappointed.


I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against
a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs.


AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that
it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
(trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.



But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised.


Am I wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand,
and taser in another.


The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient
your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded
with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible
way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dip****,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.



I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . ..
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . .. . WHAT THE HELL!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me
up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again.



I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with
tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere
to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs?



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging
to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand
by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
considered conservative?


SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape.



My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.



My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair.



I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!!



P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

[TMCNo1]

OMG, that is way too funny, best laugh I've had in a long time. We need more of those here on TT!

[TMCNo1]

Oops!!!

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.



A lady stood and walked to the podium.



She said, "I have Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."



You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.



"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."



Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.



"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."



All the men sighed with relief.



The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.



A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.



He said, "I'm Tom."



The entire congregation held its breath.



"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[RexDog1]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART

This is why women should not take men shopping against
their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on
her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found
shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.

Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she
loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing
quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this
behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the
store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below
and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go
off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor
leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an
official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right
away. '

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a
bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to
a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and
told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would
bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him, he
began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people
just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and
used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting
department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants
were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while
loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his
'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people
browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME ! PICK ME !'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud
speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH
NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least .

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door,
waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey!
There's no toilet paper in here!'

[SkiDog]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the
Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He
cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded
to tell the lady that if she wanted to
keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
Hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this
under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a
couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know,
I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

[SkiDog]

Subject: FW: Vet School - Understanding Instructions


> Vet School - Understanding Instructions
>
> First-year students at the UC Davis Vet school were receiving their
> first anatomy class, with a real dead cow.
>
> They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a
> white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, 'In
> Veterinary Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a
> doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving
> the animal body.' For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
> stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck his
> finger in his mouth.
>
> 'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students. The students
> freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns
> sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.
>
> When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, 'The
> second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle
> finger and sucked on my index finger.' 'Now learn to pay attention.
> Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid.'

[SkiDog]

BOOBS AND WILLIES

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
Kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, a woman goes through three
Phases. In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s , they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how
Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes
Through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree,
Mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but
Reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration

[TMCNo1]

Two Little Boys

After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.

The older of the two, a five year old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole.

As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.

'Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?!' she asks as she shook the older boy in anger.

'We were just playing 'church' mommy, ' he said.

'And I was just baptizing him.....in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole-he-goes.'

[chudson]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the a$$ are interchangeable.

[TMCNo1]

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .

As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were
grazing.

These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

[TMCNo1]

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your
stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.


However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here
tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
.'

[TMCNo1]

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old
blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with
her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over
Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast.

At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get
the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend?
She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue
to ask.

So, how'd you persuade her to marry
you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?' Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90!

[TMCNo1]

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste)
of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green.....................Lime
Orange ..................Orange


Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' she said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God!! They're ***-holes!'