Morning Joke Thread

[D3skier]

there's two old women who met everyday for tea. Their husbands have both passed on years ago. One day during tea one lady said "my husband loved me so much he bought me a fur coat" and the other lady said "that's nice". The next day the same old lady said "my husband loved me so much he bought me a Mercedes", the other lady replied "that's nice" a few more days go by and the one lady said "my husband loved me so much he bought me a mansion" and the other lady replied "that's nice". After a few weeks go by and the first lady had told the other lady how much her husband loved her and everything that she had been given over the years she asked an unusual question to the other. "You know, after all this time I have told you everything that my husband had done for me; what did your husband ever do for you"? The other lady sat there for a minute, took a sip of her tea and said........










































"My husband sent me to politically correct school to quit saying F#(K YOU"!

moral of the story is.... instead of telling someone off just tell them THAT'S NICE!!! only you'll know they're the butt of the joke.

[chudson]

Hundreds gather to protest global warming.

[flipper]

This one is true. My mom teaches second grade, and one of the kids made her a heart with an arrow for valentines day going through it. She just sent it to me.

[TMCNo1]

Subject: Man down!


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart...
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. 'What
do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so
they carry on shopping. A few aisles further on along the woman
picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.'


On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25......man down!'

[bigmac]

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's
Department is being interviewed.
The Deputy doing the interview says: "Your
qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude
suitability test that you must take before you can be
accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says:
"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit. "

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When
can you start?"

[bigmac]

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota :


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in MN

If you're proud that your state makes the
national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don' t work there,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say....Wayzata...Mahtomedi.... Cloquet
Edina... and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota.

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.


If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you can drive 65 mph through
2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend or wife knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

If There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you design your kid's Halloween
costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you can identify a
southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know "a brat" is something
you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

[thatsmrmastercraft]

Jeff Foxworthy on Minnesota :


If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by,
You might live in MN

If you're proud that your state makes the
national news 96 nights
each year because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too spendy",
You might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
You might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don' t work there,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the
middle of his forehead,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say....Wayzata...Mahtomedi.... Cloquet
Edina... and Shakopee,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy,
You might live in Minnesota.

If vacation means going "up north" for the weekend,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours,
You might live in Minnesota.


If you know several people, who have hit deer more than once,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you often switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day and back again,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you can drive 65 mph through
2 feet of snow
during a raging blizzard without flinching,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you see people wearing hunting clothes at social events,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you install security lights on your house and garage and
leave both unlocked,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you think of the major food groups as beer, fish, and Venison,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you carry jumper cables in your car, and your girlfriend or wife knows
how to use them,
You might live in Minnesota.

If There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Mill's Fleet Farm
at any given time,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you design your kid's Halloween
costume to fit over a snowsuit,
You might live in Minnesota.

If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter,
and of course, road construction,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you can identify a
southern or eastern accent,
You might live in Minnesota.

If your idea of creative landscaping is a plastic deer next
to your blue spruce,
You might live in Minnesota.

If "Down South" to you means Iowa,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you know "a brat" is something
you eat,
You might live in Minnesota.

If you find -10 degrees "a little chilly",
You might live in Minnesota.

Funny cuase its true!

[mallees]

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, an intelligent drunken Aussie led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Kiwi clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Kiwi clock...seriously?!!!' Weird, Kiwi’s can’t talk properly though!

'Yup.' 'Hmmm, hhhic.'

'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

'Just watch' he said.

He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

His two mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.

Suddenly, a distasteful Kiwi voice from the other side of the wall screamed, 'For $*#k's sake, you stupid moron. It's ten past three in the bloody morning !!!'

[mallees]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG? TOUGH TO ARGUE WITH THIS ONE

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.
Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[chudson]

Heard a good one on the news this morning, seems in New York they've come up with a new drink in honor of Capt. Sully. It's two shots of Grey Goose and a splash of water, no ice!!

[TMCNo1]

Medical Issues with Senior Sex

After his physical exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, "You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"



"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."




After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The old lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.



The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"





"Oh, that crazy senile old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January."

[jbfootin]

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey when he
walked up to one man's door, "Excuse me, Sir, how many times
a week do you sleep with your wife?"

"Three times," the man said without hesitation.

"Hmm, that is once more often than your neighbor," the survey
taker said, making a note.

"That makes sense," the man replied, "after all, she is MY
wife."

[thatsmrmastercraft]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading

America, Kentuckians, Tennesseeans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .


And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a

' BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a

'previously enjoyed COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes

' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a

' LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a

'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is

' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He

' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in

'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL a$$' - He develops a case of

RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's

'REAR CLEAVAGE.'

[RexDog1]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

****************** ******************************************

My wife walked into the den & asked "What's on the TV?" I replied

"Dust".

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not

happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I

look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3

seconds. ' I bought her a scale.

And that's how the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

************************************************** **********

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace

expensive. So, I took her to a gas station.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the

beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I

kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to

drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she

hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife. 'Who would think a person could go on

celebrating that long?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** ************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road

and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things

just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's when the fight started.....

************************************************** **********

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my

order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started

[trickskier]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent!”

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of
your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips
and you will have to satisfy her every need.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary
is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, “You're lying !!!” The social worker said, “Yeah,
well . . . you started it.”