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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Mornin Gang,

    It's Friday and March 11 and we're still not skiing yet. That sucks. Oh well...

    The other day I said to Mrs SlalomJunkie - "Honey, I don’t like you with the new glasses on.”

    She said “But sweetheart, I don’t have new glasses.”

    I said “I know, but I do..."

    Here's your Friday humor!

    SJ

    ---------



    A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Ryan"

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Ryan Jay Robinson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Ryan Jay Robinson, every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Ryan Jay Robinson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

    Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Ryan Jay Robinson, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Ryan, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Ryan Jay Robinson."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Ryan. He died. I'm married to his widow."








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  • 2RLAKE
    replied
    my contribution for the day

    I heard on the news that they rushed Joe Biden to the hospital ... can can't stop Putin

    go Brandon!

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by 2RLAKE View Post
    glad to have you back .... miss your jokes!
    Thanks man, been a struggle for last year and a half.

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  • 2RLAKE
    replied
    glad to have you back .... miss your jokes!

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Morning guys, felt the need to revive this one finally.

    Last night Mrs SlalomJunkie and I were watching a show on NetFlix after dinner.

    I said “I love you...”

    “Is that you talking, or the beer?”

    I said “It’s me talking to my beer.”

    Happy Friday,

    SJ

    -----------


    Vladimir Putin, Joe Biden and Kim Jong are on a plane.

    Biden finds $100 on the floor of the aircraft and says: "I will throw the money out of the aircraft and make one person happy"

    Putin interrupts him, stating that if they split the $100 bill into two $50 bills they can make 2 people happy.

    Kim Jong insists that they should throw four $25 bills and make four people happy.

    The pilot of the plane, overhearing their conversation, turns to his co-pilot and says "Should I crash this plane in the sea and make billions of people happy?"










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  • lakedrum03
    replied
    [ATTACH]204570[/ATTACH]

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  • eurosysytem0
    replied
    Hyman Edelstein, a ventriloquist, is touring the clubs and, one night, he's doing a show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes. Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little sh.t on your lap!"

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Morning gang,

    So much to talk about since I got held hostage in Honduras by Hurricane Eta...

    I heard the other day that only 6 people are allowed for Thanksgiving but 30 are allowed for a funeral. So, I will be holding a funeral for my pet turkey on Nov 26…..

    I also just read in the news that Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot is limiting all social gatherings unless you're involved in a drive by...

    I’m just happy to be back in the USA (for now) even if the communist party won the election.

    Praying Biden lasts 4 years and Kamala is NEVER president,

    SJ

    I leave you with 2 jokes today, enjoy

    ====================

    Apple is introducing a new line of digital implants for adults.

    Shipping in the spring of 2021, the Apple iBoob is a breast enhancement device that can store and play music. Sold in pairs, the new
    Apple iBoobs will cost from $999 to $1399 depending on cup and speaker size.

    This is considered a major social breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

    ===============

    Walking home after a blowout Halloween party, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

    The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

    The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"

    "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

    Leave a comment:


  • moosehead
    replied
    HH TT.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro
    Last edited by moosehead; 11-01-2020, 09:58 AM.

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on. He said "It's Kamala Harris. She's up there threatening to set herself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

    "Donations! How much you got so far?"

    "About ten gallons."

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!
    Another good one:

    =============



    The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

    Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodakio, a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. "

    Very good! -- Who said,"Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth." Again no response except from Little Hodakio: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

    "Excellent," said the teacher continuing, "Let's try one a bit more difficult -- Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country'?" Once again, Hodakio's was the only hand in the air and he said: "John F. Kennedy, 1961".

    The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves. Hodakio isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do."

    She heard a loud whisper: "F_ _ k the Japs." "Who said that? -- I want to know right now," she angrily demanded. Little Hodakio put his hand up, "General MacArthur, 1945."

    At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! -- Now who said that?" Again Little Hodakio says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

    Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? -- Suck this!" Little Hodakio jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

    Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little ****! -- If you say anything else -- I'll kill you!" Little Hodakio frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the children testifying against him, 2004".

    The teacher fainted.


    As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're F-- ked!"

    Little Hodakio said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008, when Obama was elected".

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Originally posted by curver900 View Post
    and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!
    I'll keep hitting this thread with my anti-demorasocialst bashings... Today is technically my Friday.... C'mon Roatan!


    Barak and Michelle are at the first baseball game of the year, and everyone is yelling and screaming. One of the President's cabinet advisors whispers advice into his ear, at which point Barak stands up and throws Michelle out onto the field. The crowd goes deathly silent and the advisor says, "No, sir, what I said was, they want you to throw out the first PITCH."

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  • curver900
    replied
    and it isn't even Friday.. can't wait till tomorrow!

    Leave a comment:


  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    Bill Clinton started jogging near his home in Chappaqua, New York. But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

    "Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

    "No, Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

    This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

    One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog! As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the former Secretary of State. As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

    Sure enough, there was the hooker! Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

    Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled...“See what you get for five bucks!?"

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  • slalomjunkie
    replied
    In South Los Angeles, a fourplex was destroyed by fire. A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire. A black Islamic group of seven welfare cheaters, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire. Six Los Angeles gangbanger ex-cons lived on the third floor and they died as well. One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

    Jesse Jackson, John Burris, and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew to Los Angeles and met with the fire chief on television. They loudly demanded to know why the Nigerians, Muslims, and gangbangers all died in the fire, and only the white couple survived. The fire chief said, "Please don't get upset. The reason those fellow citizens survived was because they were at work."

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